I'll be honest, this story reads more like someone giving the synopsis of a story than telling the story. I think its too bogged down with details that don't hold any significance to the point and don't really get the reader invested in what their goal is. I think the story would have benefited from trimming alot of the "traveling" from place A to B to C with at most a paragraph and instead focused on alluding to the character's worries. You could build up the dread and lore with some subtly before the last paragraph, then the readers would really feel the weight of the revelation. (I don't know what Bloodhounds are in OPR and I know very little about the Starhosts. Having the character ponder what those factions mean to him would have helped a clueless reader learn more) Looking forward to seeing you in the next jam!
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Thank you for taking a time to read it and to leave a constructive feedback. :) To be honest,I also don’t know much about the universe and all “ins” and “outs”. And since there was a time limit to write a story ,it’s time to get creative ,right ? :) “bloodhound” is just a name I gave to the antagonists,since bloodhound is a dog breed who were bred and were used to track other game I thought it was fitting to give :)
Biggest challenge for me was to fit the story I wanted to tell in one page :)
As a bonus I uploaded an extended version with more dialog and character development. :)