what specifically annoyed you?
Example 1: Calls cougar that owns 7-11.
Lady: I remebersss you, detective boyyy... Yes, heehee... This ish Cathriness.
MC: Huh, she doesn't sound like herself. She is talking in a very strange manner. Am I even talking to the right person?
This guy is supposed to be a detective and can't tell when someone is drunk? The audience/reader of this visual novel is intended to know her text has all the hallmarks of being drunk but our hero appears clueless.
Example 2: when he's arguing with the succubus lady in his head.
MC: "This is just a dream. It's all in my head. I need to wake up and focus on finding out-"
Succubus: "-what happened to your guardians."
MC: "How do you know about them!?"
If he believes this person is his own mind, why is he violently surprised that the dream entity is finishing his sentences? If anything, it should be proof that he really is talking to himself. Makes me feel like this guy is a moron.
There are a lot of other examples here and there that I don't remember near the beginning and other bits of bad writing throughout.
Meh, there have been worse VNs. I usually make comments like this when I am disappointed. The premise and sandbox elements sound neat.
[EDIT]: I remember that multiple (at least 3-4) characters say, "You're funny. Have you thought about being a comedian?" when confronted. This is lazy writing.
I've read your replies and don't think I'll convince you otherwise. And I promise I don't try to. Will just leave my comments here.
Ex. 1 imo u just misinterpret here. it's not that he "can't tell when someone is drunk". He understands that she's drunk. When he says that he can't recognise her he means that the 1st impression she left was that she's a respectable/ high status / serious business lady who acts responsibly so her being drunk conflicts with his first impression of her.
Ex. 2 well that I assume is a "let's introduce this new entity to the player & explain it to him too" moment. it's more to explain to the player rather than to the character
comedian comment is a running joke and actually developer's self-irony moment where he ironises about his own character/story/dialogue writing skills. which I quite like (both his writing and him joking about it)
Here's the thing, LurkSkywalker. The developer didn't say these were misinterpretations when they responded. They intended them to be interpreted the way I did and that I should not "judge too early my friend. You'll know why he says all those things later. ;) "
Classic "I meant to do that" and not admitting they could ever be anything but a genius.
I'm glad you found a game you like. 100% of the characters having the same "are you sure you aren't a comedian" mannerism could be a hint that the author doesn't know how to write unique dialog for different characters. If you find it endearing, again, I am happy for you.
I hope Moolah Milk finishes Deviant Anomalies and makes it brimming with content. I'm out this time, but since there is a lot to like besides the writing, I'll keep an eye out for their next project.
"are you sure you aren't a comedian" is a line repeated by many characters since the first episode of the game. It's ironical due to the humor/dark tone I like to put in the game. But also don't you feel there's something more to it? As I've mentioned, you will find out later why later on. Same with the church. Clues are everywhere already, you'll know if you've missed them. It's a quite a thinking game and not straightforward, I like such stories.
Jesus... I kept playing to see if it got better and got to the Mother Superior part.
I will never understand why people enjoy incredibly stupid protagonists.
I'm glad you found a story and a game you enjoy. I truly am.
The world needs variety.
But Holy shit is the MC dumb. like REALLY dumb. I just can't...
i get what you are saying, and i agree, i don't think the game is bad, what i think is that it have a good idea but a boring execution, it's interesting to work with mysteries because at the same time the unknown causes fear, he causes curiosity too, so... it's a good start, the development that is a problem for me, for example, a clever moment is when he was talking to the mother superior, he didn't know that she was the mother superior and didn't tell her he had another hidden camera, he only told her about one camera.
The problem is that he was so open with her, so fucking open with her, that if she had spoken more with him, he would tell her that he had another hidden camera. He was literally opening his mouth to her, i bet he would even tell her his bank account... at that point the MC doesn't know that she was the mother superior, but c'mon....why he would be so open with a stranger?
There's some references about Once in a Lifetime, i played this game too, it's the same thing about mysteries, the difference is the development...right on the begining we know that the MC of Once in a Lifetime isn't clever, and the history throw him on a situation that a student would never think about it.. but it's developed in a way that makes a lot of sense, the MC is dumb, but that makes sense, he was just a student, and he was close to be disapproved, and this is why we get others to help him, to pass were he fails, Judy is clever for example and she help him. The MC isn't a good fighter, but Aiko, yeah! and she help too. All this time i was wondering about the MC of deviant, why he didn't ask more help, for example, when he follow Ryan, and he discover that Ryan was involved with drug dealers and he go to the alley and reach the factory... why did he do this? he already knew about Carly, he could try to get information with Spade for example, or with Moe, but no... he decides to follow them just to be taken by surprise. The game could end here because they could simple kill him, after all they got him... so to avoid this recklessness he could simple turn back and try to get more information about Carly or Ryan, it would make more sense.
Sorry for the english, it's not my native language.
And please if the developer read this, don't take as a insult, it's just a sincere criticism, the game has potential, but need more work on the history, especially after the first case on the store.
2 years ago(+1)
don't get me wrong, but this "you'll know later" story doesn't convince, I had a teacher who went to write a fantasy book, and he ended up liking it and made a sequel with 5 books, a fantasy book, there was magic, ogres, gnomes, etc., but the problem is that in the first book the protagonist makes a lot of decisions that don't make sense even in the context of the book itself, something like suddenly gaining power, and without any kind of training she became strong enough to fight the villain of the story. This is an example, there were times when it didn't even make sense for a fantasy book, then he told me that "all this will be explained later" and I replied "frankly, if you can't explain it now, why would I want to know later? I read your book professor and as much as I like you, it was a frustrating experience, there was a lot that could have been explained now, to get the reader's attention, but it wasn't done, then you wrote other volumes just to explain something that happened in the first volume....since you didn't need to... what's the point of explaining it in volume 2 or 3, if people already lose the will to read in volume 1?" That's it my friend, I'm not saying to tell us the whole story, but if you leave it to explain the "now", "tomorrow"... it will only waste time, and people may not even want to see it when you explain it, because the interest who was there. ended.
Perhaps you should re-read certain portions of the game. There are many instances of foreshadowing already, especially regarding the church and mother superior.
I won't spoil it but you'll know why when the case is resolved. Maybe it would be fun if you go back and re-read the case and try to find things you might have missed. I love to do that when watching movies or playing games.
I'll give you a hint regarding the camera though as its already revealed in the current update. Why do you think he took the time to tell her about the first camera but not the second? ;P
I read that part, she let slip the fact that she hadn't been going to church in the last 2 weeks, time the other nuns had said she didn't show up and she herself had said the superior mother withdraws for about 3 weeks ..... almost the time she was without going to church, the way she talks, seeming to know her very well, it's pretty obvious that she has something to do with her superior mother at least, that's enough to distrust her, not to mention that you can see her on the street when he has the feeling of being followed, and on the train she appears, which makes me wonder if at this point in the championship he was already suspicious of her... what to tell her everything? there is also the dialogue in yellow.... he could have been suspicious of her already.... but apparently it gives the impression that he was more concerned about eating her. Good. That's what I think, it was so obvious that she at least had some relationship with her superior mother just because she said she had missed church and the way she talked about her, if the game was "among us" she would be suspicious " haha" which makes even less sense to reveal things, if I put myself in the detective's shoes, I wouldn't have told you about the camera, even because the camera was positioned in front of the church entrance, and the nuns stay there with a certain frequency, I could have gotten more information. But well, that's what I think, if it would be the most appropriate decision, I'm not sure, but I think it would make more sense.
Bro seriously...
MC specifically said that he is laying a trap and by the time the Mother Superior notices it will be already too late because he's like 15 steps ahead of her.. He blabbed all that sht to get fool the convent ladies into letting their guards down..
Just don't take every word at face value. If you still can't believe me then ask yourself this..
How can MC use the bloodstream wiretap from Moe?
Who did he use it on?
When did he use it?
Look back and you'll find answers to that. I personally have no clue about writing techniques and styles but at the very least, the foreshadowings in the convent mission is perfect and is a testament that there is more to the MC's wacky personality.
i read this part, i know who was the one that he use it, i know when he use, i never told anything about this, i didn't told about it because it was a good idea, the wiretap was okay, but so what?
i was focused on their conversation on the train because this is the part that didn't make any sense for me. Is hard to believe that the MC was planning a trap, when himself was thinking "i should try to impress her more with the detective stuff, imagine if i turn out to be the hero who solved the case at HER church, she'd be totally hooked! who knows i might even GET LUCKY WITH HER, damn she's really quite a sweet delight, especially with tears weiling up on her eyes" well, that's really 15 steps....15 steps of kamasutra....
looks like he was lucky, lucky that his trap worked, and not that he actually planned it, because there was so much to go wrong, that the game could have ended right there, if the superior mother had been cautious instead of proud, she could have have fooled him easily, she already knew he was a detective, she didn't need to go to church with him, he only found out that she was the superior mother because she went along and the nuns told him, but she could have left, she already knew that he was a detective, she already knew what case he worked on, while he only had one suspect "assuming that he suspected"... she could easily left and make a plan to kill him. That's the point, so much could go wrong that it's convenient that his plan worked. He give her so much information, that if she intented to kill him, she would..
2 years ago(+1)
Don't judge too early my friend. You'll know why he says all those things later. ;)
While there are parts he is legitimately written stupid for relief timing and breather, none of the parts you mentioned are that. Funnily enough, all 3 examples you gave have reveals later in the game.
Hello developer! Thank you for taking the time to engage and for putting yourself out there with Deviant Anomalies. Lots of potential. There are some really good animations, erotic situations, character design, scene design, sandbox game-play... I'd like to reiterate that my frustration comes from a good experience turned sour through writing choices.
However, you put the project out there into the world, and it will be judged as it is written now. I'm sorry, but I don't believe you regarding why he says all those things later. ;) That's a classic artistic excuse. It's okay to internalize and learn from your mistakes. Your writing is far from flawless and posturing that it is will do both you and your future fans no favors.
*Spoilers*
There is no "later reveal" that could ever explain why the MC doesn't know what a drunk person sounds like in that moment. She has bottles there, we are meant to believe she is drunk, and if its revealed later that the MC somehow knew she was only acting or some other "I planned him to sound dumb all along", it doesn't explain why he wouldn't think she was drunk in that moment with the information both he and the reader have. This is a very small example of why I can't stand how clueless the MC sounds, but it is one among many. All you have to do is add the line, "is she drunk?" and none of this would exist. If this is a setup for something HOURS later or that's not even implemented in this version, it does not work at all/pulls me away from caring about the MC.
Of course the succubus isn't only in his head. Knowing that doesn't change my opinion about how unintelligent he sounds in that moment.
And blabbing to a random woman about a murder investigation and a hidden camera while he knows she is headed to the church... that was the nail in the coffin. I know you were trying to do something cleaver for the head nun's characterization, but in my opinion, it backfired spectacularly. It felt forced, and transparent, and frustrating to go through.
I, the reader, knew this was mother superior very early in the conversation.
The only thing I can think of is that you intend to reveal that the MC knew who she was the whole time and was blabbing on purpose, but we the reader have no reason to know that he knows. This is not set up or believable. It's a bad way to write a plot- in my opinion. Maybe this is not what your "later reveal" is, but either way, as it's written and presented at this moment- you lost me.
I hope you take the feedback seriously. A lot of people enjoy your work, but never forget you are never done improving your craft. Best of luck!
Im not interacting with you to be defensive. I'm always on the lookout for things to improve the game on. And I'm glad you took the time to give feedback.
Perhaps you should re-read certain portions of the game. There are many instances of foreshadowing already, especially regarding the church and mother superior.
I won't spoil it but you'll know why when the case is resolved. Maybe it would be fun if you go back and re-read the case and try to find things you might have missed. I love to do that when watching movies or playing games.