Post by SweetChiel in UPDATE 19/9/2022! comments

UPDATE 19/9/2022! » Comments

Viewing post in UPDATE 19/9/2022! comments

Yes, it's really hard to live with the in-laws... I know they have expectations, but in all seriousness, it feels like they're not giving me space to breathe--especially mother in law Q_Q

I wish I can tell you about it---heck, I think I'll just tell you.

So my mother in law is quite... strict. I can do the house chores and obey the many house rules, but the main problem is:
She complains to me daily about my husband's working ethics and saying, 'tell your husband this and that...' ,'his working behaviour is terrible', 'if he works outside he would've been fired', etc. And while my husband promises to do better & told me to ignore her, I didn't see him doing any effort to fix his behaviour (I mean, why is it so hard for him to smile and be kind to customers? He always work like Grumpy from Snow White and can be really impolite at times. Worse, he didn't even realize his behaviour is rude. Not to mention he can go to the toilet 3 times a day during his working hours + always need a nap in the afternoon). So we continued to walk in a circle around this particular problem. I exploded because of this :'D I can't handle it when the solution is so simple but he refuses to do it (is he being obnoxious on purpose?).

And when I exploded, I also blabber about many things, most of it being me protesting about mother in law ordering me this and that, but not helping and about him being obnoxious.

Anyways, I tried the soft way but it didn't work, so I'm trying the hard way now. If he can't manage the store, how is he supposed to inherit it? The way he works now is worse than a store clerk so I'm really insecure about our future.

Um... I'm sorry that I write so much x_x
But yeah, we definitely need some space/break from each other right now.

Scriptomancer, I really appreciate you being here and I need others' opinion on this, so if you can give me some advice, I'd be really happy, but please don't be burdened. I'm already happy that you already lend me an ear ^_^)/

scriptomancer2 years ago(+2)

Don't be sorry! You're going through a lot and I'm happy to lend an ear! It's difficult to know the best advice to give without knowing all the people involved, so I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not but...

I have had this issue with my husband, too, where he doesn't see his behavior as a big deal, or will say, "I'll try to do better" but then puts no effort into it. I decided to put it in simple terms for him: if I have a problem with something he does that he has no conviction over, he should respect my perspective and work with me to fix it. That is what being a supportive spouse is all about. You have told your husband that you are concerned for your future because of his behavior and he is not respecting your perspective by dismissing your concerns and ignoring your request. By not taking you seriously, he is already proving your concerns valid! I told my husband, "I have explained my perspective to you in very clear terms. I'm not being unreasonable. I am not asking you to spend a bunch of money. I am asking you to change your behavior because it is hurtful and rude, and even though you don't care, I DO, so if you love me and respect me, you will work hard on this because it matters to me." And to his credit, he did work on it. It wasn't an overnight change and it isn't perfect, but he's made a lot of progress. I offered to help him work on it with gentle reminders if he promised not to get annoyed or ignore me, and that helped us both. Maybe if you lay it out for your husband like that, he will be more willing to consider his approach. Or maybe you already have and it didn't work out.

I have found that as long as I make what I want and/or expect from my husband super clear, he is usually really responsive to it, even if it takes him a minute to get there. Hopefully, your husband will be, too. You are newlyweds, and that first year introduces a lot of changes and friction, but in the end, you married because you love each other! Hopefully that means that he will be willing to work it out. It just might take him awhile to get there.

As for your mother-in-law, I'm afraid there's no easy answer. I think you have to make it clear that you want to be part of the family and that you respect her house, but that you come from a different environment with different expectations, and that you have to draw boundaries for your own happiness. You have compromised a lot by joining his household and changing many things about your life to be a good wife, daughter-in-law, and worker, but it's not right for you to compromise everything, or to be the only one making compromises. I know it's hard to draw a line with in-laws, but the earlier in the relationship you do it, the easier it will be to create a new and healthier dynamic.

And definitely inform your husband that you need him to support you when it comes to her and not tell you useless advice like "ignore her", because obviously that's not possible. That's just rude! She's family now. Besides, when there's turmoil, women tend to carry it around with them, adding stress and anxiety to our lives when most men seem capable of ignoring it when they don't have to deal with it. We aren't like that. It's important for him to understand that and support you the way you need to be supported, not the way he thinks you need.

Anyway, I typed a lot... Sorry! >_< I'm doubtful that any of this was very helpful, but I'd be happy to listen and chat with you anytime you need it! I really hope that you will be able to find a solution that works for you and makes you happy. It's a difficult situation to navigate and I'm really glad that you have a place to go to get some space instead of being trapped in an uncomfortable situation. And I'm really excited that you are able to get some work on the game done! It's something you love to do, something positive to focus on when things in your personal life aren't going the way you planned. It's good to have that. I'm cheering you on!

SweetChiel2 years ago

Scriptomancer... Thank you so much, omg your guide is so on point! I love it so much, I want to print it and hang it on the wall 🥲 (maybe they can also read it too lol)

I'm really happy for you. Both of you gave the effort and it bore sweet fruit. It's really beautiful and I wish I can have the same. I've had another discussion with my husband and... He didn't even understand why I was upset in the first place... *Sigh

After some intensive talk, it became clear to me that he had no intention to talk to his mother about setting boundaries (because to him, apparently it's family tradition to complain about someone & he'd rather go with the flow/ignore it than fixing the said problem). Honestly, I can't live everyday listening to his mother complaining & ordering me around every single day. Not to mention the uncertain future... They deal with big money and I heard they have some debt from doing house renovation + helping their eldest daughter who got recently married to build a house (which is why I think his parents wants him to work better. I mean, if he can't manage the store, what will happen if they can't pay the debt+lifestyle?) I can choose to tolerate & later replace his mother's work role in the future but if I also have to do all the house chores along with listening to their complaints(mostly about my husband bad working habits and to the small things about daily chores not done according to her standards)-- won't I be taken advantage and worked to the bone? How about my mental health?

When I said I'd rather we move out so we can figure out what 'family' means and make one of our own without other's interferences, he refused.

As of now, things are... Bad. Really bad. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm mentally tired... I need my husband to see that his family's dynamics is not healthy but what should I do if he didn't want to change?

scriptomancer2 years ago

Hmmm, this is difficult... :( Drastic measures are obviously a last resort. Hopefully we can figure it out!

If you don't mind my asking, what are some of your husband's qualities that made you want to marry him in the first place? Maybe there's something there that can help figure out the best way to deal with this.

This is a silly and simplified example, but let's pretend that your husband needs to move a heavy box that he can't lift by himself, and you are the only person around to help him. He asks for your help, but you don't want to risk chipping a nail, so you tell him that you won't help him carry it, but you will cheer him on from the sides. Well, your husband needs to move the box. Cheering him on won't help him do that. You are basically doing nothing to help him while claiming that you are helping by doing the thing most comfortable for you. That is basically what he is doing to you. You are asking for his help and he is refusing to help you while still being satisfied that he is doing his part. You have come up with multiple ways that he can help you, and he refuses to do a single one of them. How is that being supportive? It's not!

Him saying that it's family tradition to complain about someone and ignore the problem, well...isn't that what he's doing to you right now? Ignoring your problems? I would make it clear to him that is not a family tradition you are willing to inherit for your future family with him, so that should be the last time he says that kind of nonsense to you. (It really makes me so mad when men think that the best solution is to ignore something and expect you to go along with it. My husband has also said stupid things like that. I told him if he wanted to live his life like that, he shouldn't have married me, because it's not happening.)

You are absolutely right that your mental health is important. If he expects you to live in that house and go along with this new life they have thrust upon you, then he needs to start making compromises to make it mentally healthy for you to do so. From how you've explained things, you have made all the compromises in this marriage so far - you moved into a new home, took on a new job, take care of him, etc - so what is he compromising for you?

I think your idea to move out together to make your own family is a great idea and would help solve a lot of issues. Did he explain why he refuses to move out?

SweetChiel2 years ago (2 edits)

Hi scriptomancer! To answer your questions, I fell in love with his outgoing personality. He's talkative, good with friends, fun--overally the opposite of me who is an introvert. But we both enjoy reading, playing games, and anime. I've known him since I was a mid-schooler. He used to go to the same internet cafe as me and he was very friendly, like he greets everyone in the cafe when he goes there.

But funnily enough, I sometimes think our roles are reversed when we were dating. He's the one who's concerned about appearances, can act spoiled, and shy.

I thought; since he has a very friendly personality, he can definitely inherit his parents' building material store. I was very shocked when I found out he is very grumpy and rude at work. He can't even go up and go to work at 7, I had to ignore him for 3 days just to get him do this. After all, one of my beliefs is 'if my husband is good at work/hardworking, no problem is too big to solve'.

As for the mother in law, I thought I can trust him to talk with her if she gets too overbearing/perfectionist. But to my disappointment, he can't seem to stand up to her...

I really love the way you tell your husband, 'if you want to live your life like that, you shouldn't have married me, because it's not happening' 😂 I think I've told him something similar. Like, whenever someone talks bad about my husband I always told him 'you can live like this?' then he shrugged while I rolled my eyes saying I can't.

Once, I was very hurt because of his pregnant sister. So she was talking with the in laws, about what they hope the gender will be. Both of them said 'girls'. I thought okay. But then someone said, 'Yeah, because the boy in the family turns out like that..' like, what sin did my husband commit to be treated like that?

Which is why I think my husband is stupid for unable to see how unhealthy his family is.

He refused to move out because he said he doesn't have the money, saying he's broke after marrying me. But I've offered to use the gold I've received from Sangjit as front payment though? His salary and mine should also cover the monthly rent/installments. I've also offered for him to stay in my house with my mom, at least there would be only 3 people living in it, not 6, but he still said no.

After everything is said and done, the more I re-read our conversations & advices from all of you, the clearer my mind became.

I don't think his family sees me as an equal. For example, I've lived with them for almost 3 months and they haven't given me the house key. We also haven't processed the civil marriage certificate due to prioritizing his pregnant sister, which becomes a relief for me because we don't have to take this to court. I'm still single in the official documents lol.

So maybe this is for the best?

My only regret is I can't marry as a Catholic anymore...

itch.io

Viewing post in UPDATE 19/9/2022! comments