First, thank you for pointing me to the ACoUP blog! I think I'll be returning there as the 'deep dives into historical minutia' genre is right up my alley.
I could definitely see the poetry of Bertran peeking through especially in the ending, which I thought gave the lines in the penultimate paragraph a great power - the staccato poetic phrases beat like drums, enforcing the horrors of war. You could, if you wished, rework this as a more thoroughly poetic piece throughout. I definitely got the understanding that, unlike Bertran, this is Vauquelin's first outing into battle. I would be interested in understanding more about him, and why it is that, being raised in a violent and martial culture, he is sickened by his (first?) experience - especially when Duke Garnier clearly is much more okay with the whole affair. To make the story work with the theme, that's the direction you had to go in, but I think (especially having read Bertran) that you could have delved into that a bit more. The piece is still very powerful, especially carried by your strong imagery and rhythmic use of language.