The first column of prose does a really good job establishing both the beauty of the spring day before the battle and the bard's way of seeing the word that is later sapped by viewing the carnage of battle. The contrast works especially well. And that last paragraph gives a very ominous feeling with an expectant boss who also just murdered a whole bunch of people.
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The Flower of Chivalry's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Adherence to the Theme | #12 | 3.855 | 3.950 |
| Overall | #16 | 3.790 | 3.883 |
| Flow & Clarity | #17 | 3.708 | 3.800 |
| Concept & Originality | #21 | 3.806 | 3.900 |
Ranked from 20 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Comments
This was amazing, I really felt the same emotions our protagonist did as I went about reading this and that ending coming in to take out the joy and gusto from the first half of the story was just marvelous
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Shots FiredI've always had a soft spot for chivalrous realms type factions, and this was a fun read that hit all the right notes. The beginning descriptions went about a line or two past when it felt like they should end, and really that's in-character for the verbose narrator so I assume it's intentional, but maybe a small call-out of some kind might have served to highlight that better?
Submitted
Pondering on SoftscalesFirst, thank you for pointing me to the ACoUP blog! I think I'll be returning there as the 'deep dives into historical minutia' genre is right up my alley.
I could definitely see the poetry of Bertran peeking through especially in the ending, which I thought gave the lines in the penultimate paragraph a great power - the staccato poetic phrases beat like drums, enforcing the horrors of war. You could, if you wished, rework this as a more thoroughly poetic piece throughout. I definitely got the understanding that, unlike Bertran, this is Vauquelin's first outing into battle. I would be interested in understanding more about him, and why it is that, being raised in a violent and martial culture, he is sickened by his (first?) experience - especially when Duke Garnier clearly is much more okay with the whole affair. To make the story work with the theme, that's the direction you had to go in, but I think (especially having read Bertran) that you could have delved into that a bit more. The piece is still very powerful, especially carried by your strong imagery and rhythmic use of language.
Thanks!
Yeah, Vauquelin is meant to be an outsider to the martial culture of the aristocracy, while Garnier is born and raised in it. Perhaps Vauquelin came from a merchant family and had only heard of war from storybooks. Or maybe he was raised outside the Chivalrous Kingdoms, which would explain his knowledge of foreign cultures. Might be fun to expand upon at some point.
The ending is satisfying, but the beginning felt a bit like filler. Really love the choice of character though, and definitely would have read more. For me, I came away wondering if the main character really had any action at all.
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Record of Mourndrift War
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