I think you could use some work on your form, but you make up for it in panache. Great concept and twist, but I think your final line would have more impact if you just left it at what the General said and let the audience infer the tone.
Viewing post in The War Table jam comments
"The general stroked
his ashen gray beard over his ruff. The
beauty mark on his sun scorched cheek was
displaced by a scornful smirk my lord wore.
His thick, black eyebrows raised
sardonically."
A little more punctuation can help this flow better; periods work best as dividers between distinct concepts, so them being in the middle of a description of a single character can be jarring. Additionally, the introduction of another title in the middle of a description can be confusing. Something like this might read smoother:
"The general stroked
his ashen gray beard over his ruff, the
beauty mark on his sun-scorched cheek
displaced by a scornful smirk.
His thick, black eyebrows raised
sardonically."
Later, when describing the wizard, you have the perfect opportunity to use colons, which denote that the following items are in a list (even if the list only has one entry, as used here):
"His garb was layered and
frayed. The brown, stitched together cloak
that draped over his shoulders reached his
knees. The rough spun fabric that made up
his ragged cap was pelted with black
feathers from a bird that I could not place,
they reflected a luscious green when hit by
the candlelight. Yet, even with his uncouth
getup there were hints at refinement. A
pale ceramic mask covered the lower half of
his face. From the gold trim, and eloquent
design, it must’ve been from the Duchies of
Vinci. "
This could be edited to read thus:
"His garb was layered and frayed:
stitches held together the brown cloak
which draped from his shoulders to his knees,
and the rough spun fabric that made up
his ragged cap was pelted with black
feathers from a bird that I could not place.
Yet, even with his uncouth getup there were
hints at refinement: the feathers
in his cap reflected a luscious green where
the candlelight struck them, and a pale
ceramic mask covered the lower half of his face.
From its gold trim - and eloquent design - it must’ve
been from the Duchies of Vinci."
This version groups the refined elements of his outfit (the sheen of the feathers and the mask) together, and injects a little more direction to the description, IMO making it easier to read as action has a way of guiding the reader's thoughts.
It's mostly stuff like this - you also don't need to indent individual lines of dialogue within a larger paragraph, but that's not as big a deal. I think that if you took some time to study the uses of different kinds of punctuation, you could elevate your writing a long way with very little effort! I recommend Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss; it's short and - unlike most grammar books - extremely funny and easy to read.
I'm glad you took the time to respond, these insights and examples are very nice. I'll definitely be looking back at this when I practice. It's crazy how just a few tweaks can drastically change how well a story ebbs and flows. I'll have to work on my punctuation more often.
I remember that book, teacher of mine read it in elementary school for the class. I'll be sure to give it another look. Thank you very much.