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A jam submission

The War TableView project page

It only takes one oversight...
Submitted by T3PP3 — 9 hours, 39 minutes before the deadline
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Play book

The War Table's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Flow & Clarity#133.6884.000
Overall#193.6163.922
Concept & Originality#203.8514.176
Adherence to the Theme#243.3083.588

Ranked from 17 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted(+1)

'We took care of their dead!' 'But...'

Oops, that good old oversight. Though you'd think that an army with enough experience fighting the undead wouldn't make that kind of mistake. Still, really like this tale, perspective, lesson, looming threat and all.

Developer

Yeah, that is a hole I should've filled by letting it cook in the oven longer. Thank you, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

Submitted(+1)

As someone who love vampire armies in many games, you get props from me for their inclusion (even as an off-screen enemy). I like that it was told from a first person perspective of someone in the room who is not the focus.  I love the slow (as slow as these short stories allow anyway) burn of the reveal of the greater problem. You also get (fake) bonus points from me for filling in empty space with an illustration.

The theme could of perhaps been used more effectively. It was a little difficult to see where that kind of "battle" comes in here.

Developer

agreed, now that I've had enough time away from it I would've wanted it more close to the theme. I'm glad you liked it though, and I liked your story as well. Expecting another good one from you next jam.

Submitted(+1)

Wow what a read!

First off, congrats for making the first story I’ve read in this jam that’s told from a first-person perspective!

May have dragged a little, and I didn’t notice a whole lot of adherence to the theme, but I loved the twist! 

Developer

Thank you, I do agree after reading it again, the adherence to the theme fell a bit flat. I'm glad you liked it though!

Submitted(+1)

I think you could use some work on your form, but you make up for it in panache. Great concept and twist, but I think your final line would have more impact if you just left it at what the General said and let the audience infer the tone.

Developer (1 edit)

Thank you. If it's convenient, could you point out some spots on where my form was weak? It helps to have a second set of eyes, and my glasses don't tell me anything!

Submitted(+1)

"The general stroked
his ashen gray beard over his ruff. The
beauty mark on his sun scorched cheek was
displaced by a scornful smirk my lord wore.
His thick, black eyebrows raised
sardonically."

A little more punctuation can help this flow better; periods work best as dividers between distinct concepts, so them being in the middle of a description of a single character can be jarring. Additionally, the introduction of another title in the middle of a description can be confusing. Something like this might read smoother:

"The general stroked
his ashen gray beard over his ruff, the
beauty mark on his sun-scorched cheek
displaced by a scornful smirk.
His thick, black eyebrows raised
sardonically."

Later, when describing the wizard, you have the perfect opportunity to use colons, which denote that the following items are in a list (even if the list only has one entry, as used here):
"His garb was layered and
frayed. The brown, stitched together cloak
that draped over his shoulders reached his
knees. The rough spun fabric that made up
his ragged cap was pelted with black
feathers from a bird that I could not place,
they reflected a luscious green when hit by
the candlelight. Yet, even with his uncouth
getup there were hints at refinement. A
pale ceramic mask covered the lower half of
his face. From the gold trim, and eloquent
design, it must’ve been from the Duchies of
Vinci. "

This could be edited to read thus:

"His garb was layered and frayed:
stitches held together the brown cloak
which draped from his shoulders to his knees,
and the rough spun fabric that made up
his ragged cap was pelted with black
feathers from a bird that I could not place.
Yet, even with his uncouth getup there were
hints at refinement: the feathers
in his cap reflected a luscious green where
the candlelight struck them, and a pale
ceramic mask covered the lower half of his face.
From its gold trim - and eloquent design - it must’ve
been from the Duchies of Vinci."

This version groups the refined elements of his outfit (the sheen of the feathers and the mask) together, and injects a little more direction to the description, IMO making it easier to read as action has a way of guiding the reader's thoughts. 

It's mostly stuff like this - you also don't need to indent individual lines of dialogue within a larger paragraph, but that's not as big a deal. I think that if you took some time to study the uses of different kinds of punctuation, you could elevate your writing a long way with very little effort! I recommend Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss; it's short and - unlike most grammar books - extremely funny and easy to read.

Developer(+1)

I'm glad you took the time to respond, these insights and examples are very nice. I'll definitely be looking back at this when I practice. It's crazy how just a few tweaks can drastically change how well a story ebbs and flows. I'll have to work on my punctuation more often.

I remember that book, teacher of mine read it in elementary school for the class. I'll be sure to give it another look. Thank you very much.

Submitted

Great read! The twist at the end was well done, and the story overall was very descriptive and well-paced.

Submitted(+1)

Nicely done (though was getting a little Istari vibe at first), and a clever extrapolation of game/tactics woven in. This could easily be expanded upon and the art piece was a good emphasis point.

Submitted(+1)

I loved your little art piece at the end! It felt really in keeping with both the theme of the story and the OPR art design.

Submitted

Boi oh boi i was just like the general. Stupid undead army raising dead people :) great story i will rate it as soon as i can

Submitted

Excellent description, it really puts the reader in the room with the characters. Great job. 

Submitted

Great story, really liked the the descriptions and twist, plus the little art piece