I like this mournful story: its pacing is great, the breaks are well placed. The story's narration is somewhat comforting in a way, as if told over a campfire or bed. Fairytale-esque I'd say.
The piece has the same problem as your last submission, "Predator." The theme, whilst present, seems to get swept away. I can see the theme here, but it's more like an undertone.
Overall, I still love your work. I can't wait to see what comes next from you!
Don't think I didn't notice the "b---- please," in the noble's dialogue. That was pretty good, though I didn't realize what it was all that quick. That got a quaint chuckle out of me.
A tragic tale. One that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, the situation that was placed on the villagers encapsulated the theme of the jam very well. I'm going to have to wash my tongue after this one, however.
I look forward to the future jam entries you make.
A very good story, one of the best in this roster. I liked all of the world building that was crammed into this perfectly paced tale. It was a really good snapshot into the dynasties, and could definitely service as an introduction to their lore.
Well done, I liked the intrigue that was immediately halted by a realistic action. I also liked how they went from one rock in a hard place to another.
There were a few run-ons, I also suspect that you're afraid of commas.
All in all, good entry. I look forward to seeing what you do next jam.
Interesting interpretation of the theme. I appreciate that it's not the POV character who's in this terrible predicament.
Sometimes not making another paragraph when a different person is speaking was indeed jarring somewhat. However, not too much. I could infer who was talking when, but perhaps more clarity is called for.
I enjoyed this submission a lot, can't wait to see what else you do!
A dastardly internal struggle, I loved the atmosphere found in the beginning paragraphs. I really sets the mood. The flow of the story was very good, with a well made flashback. You adeptly preformed the disjointed story.
I feel as if the connection to the theme of the jam was a bit loose. Kenith didn't seem to have much problem making his choice.
All in all, I liked the story. I appreciate your participation in the Jam, and am excited for what you make next.
The triuphant return of G'lgraark. This is a good one, just the tone makes me chuckle. Hard to see the prompt, but that doesn't detract from my enjoyment of the story.
Ouch, the size requirement really hits you where it hurts. One way I get around it is by refraining from pressing "enter" twice. It eats up a lot of space in the long run.
A somber, mournful ending. It was interesting to have the story placed in a wider scope, instead of a more personal one. I also like the names. Is there a Deep Space Nine reference in there, or am I just imagining things?
The story felt eerily similar in concept to your previous one, "the Talking Stick." Same vein at least. I hope to see something fresh next time.
All in all, I liked your story. I'm excited to see what's next from you.
A buildup to a choice that would leave tragedy in its wake either way. I could see past the rocky clarity, and appreciate the theme in its sincerity. You're getting better, I see improvements from your previous entry, "Family Lessons." I also see experiments in your writing style, which I hope in time will burgeon into something quite nice. I advise you don't switch up how your writing style mid story however. Clarity of your voice is one of the most important things in story telling.
I'm glad to see the fruits of your continuing growth, and look forward to how you improve next jam once again!
An old thought experiment, given new life. I like it. The descriptions lent vivid pictures to my mind, much like your previous work "Denial & Death." It also made the results of Klaus's decision even more ghastly. Getting into Klaus's mindset emphasized how harrowing the choice was. It certainly was a harrowing choice either way.
There were some things that needed improvement. I feel that whilst the concept was already solid, it could have used an interesting twist to freshen the idea. I also think that telling the audience about how the death of the five officials could cripple the nation, would have made the two choices appear more equal.
Your improvements from your last piece haven't gone unnoticed. I gleefully await your next entry.
A very well paced story, with a subversion of my expectations towards the end. Fantastic. The alternate point of view puts a very savory irony on the whole thing.
There were some grammatical errors, but the overall flow of the story made up for the rougher bits.
Well done, I certainly look forward to your future works.
I like the story's progression! That light and humorous beginning, suddenly plunging into a dark abyss really makes for an impactful twist. The length of the story was perfect as well. Not short enough to ruin the pacing of the twist, and just long enough to healthily hit the beats you were looking for. Admirable.
One of the problems with the story, is how hard it is to see the theme in it. It was mentioned once, but not really brought up again. Bringing the decision back up around half way, would help improve upon that problem.
Overall, excellent story. I look forward to your next Jam entry!
A very relatable final like. I like this story, it's got a charm to it. It has a flair of the wild west, especially with those bandanas.
There were some hiccups in the flow of the story, mainly word choice, and grammar of some sentences. The sudden exposition in the middle of the story was a bit jarring.
All in all, you did good. I look forward to the improvements you make to your story telling skills in the future.
Nice work! The tone of the story was laid down incredibly, just like your previous entry. You're very good at that. I loved what the story insinuates, it reminds me of the "moment of change" that can be found in 5 minute short films.
There are some places where the illusion of someone writing a letter falls flat, such as the scene where he's writing about the defense gun thuds. It damaged my immersion into the story, but quickly recovered.
All in all, I only have high praise. I continue to look forward to your next work!
agreed, now that I've had enough time away from it I would've wanted it more close to the theme. I'm glad you liked it though, and I liked your story as well. Expecting another good one from you next jam.
I'm glad you took the time to respond, these insights and examples are very nice. I'll definitely be looking back at this when I practice. It's crazy how just a few tweaks can drastically change how well a story ebbs and flows. I'll have to work on my punctuation more often.
I remember that book, teacher of mine read it in elementary school for the class. I'll be sure to give it another look. Thank you very much.
Thank you. If it's convenient, could you point out some spots on where my form was weak? It helps to have a second set of eyes, and my glasses don't tell me anything!
Loved this, I appreciate the tactical use of explosives. Made the reversal of fortune more satisfying. The ending line was fun as well. I'll be looking for your submission next jam.
Very well done. I really liked this one, even through its flaws. One major flaw with this is how the perspectives kind of meld together near the end. If you try this again, be sure to make clear separations to keep the reader from being confused. Again, well done! Excited to see how you do with the next jam.
