itch.io

In the current state it's a bit rough to read. I think there is potential here within the writing with a bit more editing work. The word "aggressive" and "huff" was a bit overused, which felt a bit awkward and some stuff non-fluent to read for me.

General writing tip for the start: Avoid writing emotions literally. Use some smaller synonyms instead.
"He's always angry about something." is a bit robotic.
(You can use here a good opportunity to reveal Gunter's name at the start.)
"Gunter is already on his tour to show, who is boss around here. **Add some specific mc trait sentence here.**"

Other than that. The pace felt rushed a bit. Do not fear to prolong some scenes!

Nevertheless, the art was cute! Any musk enjoyers gonna like the cg :D

On the audio: Renpy can add play out SFX and make the scenes pop out more. This would have helped a lot to make the introduction pop more with live. "WHAM" with the locker room bg and the vpunch effect of renpy. It would help your story more out. The ost was nice.
Main menu misses any sound playing, which can be adjusted in Renpy. A main menu without music can make an user feel like the game crashed accidentaly.

On the overall presentation: The itchio page right now, during the writing of this comment misses screenshots.
Add them! They make more people willing to read your vn and see what it is about! I made this mistake myself.

Last, but not least. Android version and Mac would be beneficial to your spread of reading. Many furries read visual novels on phones. If you need help setting it up, the novembear jam page has a discord server that can help you out. Or you write in the community tab at how to make an android version.

Hope this feedback is helpful! Enjoyed your visual novel.

Alright! Aknowledged. Next time I try to look at the positions of the art to not contradict with the ui.Should have taken a little more oven time with the ending in retrospective.

Thanks for the feedback and glad that you liked my fvn :D.

Probably should have drawn the rings a bit higher. My fault and thanks for the feedback! Glad that you enjoyed my fvn!

Oh thank you! I wasn't aware of it that I wrote the emotions like that. Now that you point it out. I can see what the general issue is. The usual "Show don't tell"-problem. I do not know when to stop explaining, since apparently I don't know the limit of it? I don't understand with what you mean about ESL-isms or caps lock overuse. I am not good at writing (My writing experience currently is just Package Day) and try my best with what I can do. I only had one person look it over, but they were really novice about editing. So, yeah I am sorry to hear that my story is way too novicely written and that I should have written more. I can't understand how I didn't get the feeling of "rush" in my plot and maybe for my next time creating a vn. I should look at my flow of the story. On the other note I don't know what you mean with back half not being represented with visuals? Maybe you mean the part of explaining, which it can feel like being lazy from my part.

And on last note, yeah the design of the original dragon would have been nice to use. But the rules :,D. Afterall, I am a creative idea creator, but not good at execution, since I am rather really behind all the people in writing experience area.

As the creator of the mpreg visual novels.

I approve this vn. 

Only one problem. The sentences shouldn't be soooooo long. Cut them a bit and it reads way better. 

Thanks for the review!

And yeah my major mistake was to not add some necessary *fluff* to not interrupt the flow of the story. I think I cutted too much in the backstory before they met.

And yeah my issue with english is not that easy to go away with. I try my best to get understanding of languages to be better on my next projects for sure!

I could have gone more bonkers with the visuals too and to be fair I should have done some more trippy color art into it.

Hope you enjoyed my ride!

For me it relayed a bit too much on descriptions based on the story...

My issue mainly with this story is, besides the notes. It doesn't really feel like a visual novel. More like a novel. The ending felt like a visual novel. Something was off here for me in it that didn't felt like I am reading a vn.

It's definitly an experience. It's just a harder time for people like me that can't read novels greatly.

It wasn't a bad one though. The music and usage of sprites works. I wished all the names would be like didi and gogo to give your own iconic touch.
I think the best thing would have been just the bunny floating and all the other ones be differently fullbody. XD

Still even with some *annoying* things. I can recommend this trip to read and maybe people can find things behind the descriptions that I cannot see.

Thanks for your honest review!

I agree on your points that I could have explored further and maybe gave the story more room to breath. Next time I know better!

Also thanks for liking my weird style of writing. I thought my stories would be pretty generic :,D.

Okay so this one is gonna be a bit mean from my side, but really I am commenting here more for the future.

Spoilers ahead:

The plot is a cheesy warlock love story about learning to grow past normal first thoughts. (Expansion of growth could be seen a bit, but the theme is so flimsy.).You use already set tropes, but hey sometimes you need set tropes to floorish!

I really liked the small animation bits or sfx.

I am just a real sucker for cheesy romance that has enjoyable dialogue and comedy.

But now here is a list on presentation feedback:

- (This one is my personal problem.) Too many sentences could have been multiple sentences. Don‘t be afraid to set a period at the end and just start a new one :,D Of course, you can have long sentences. Just don‘t go overboard with them and make them a bit reasonable to have them as that.

- There were some minor uppercase error and misspellings. Didn‘t really ruin it for me.

- The plot may have been fluffed a little bit on some cases, but it’s honestly only noticeable if you are impatient >.> (Me).

- Backgrounds at the start had too much blur! Use it a bit more less. Your backgrounds got better, when reading more.

- Music was missing at some places. But in your case you did better at it as you read more of your visual novel.

- I felt a bit too much exposition at the beginning, but again it completely dissappeared reading more.

- This is a problem for anyone reading at 100% textspeed. Some sentences were immeadiatly gone. You overused a bit, but also used it correctly on some parts. Explore this more!

- Black background in renpy has already a default variable as like „scene black“. There was a tiny white pixel to be spotted.

——————————

And just some small nitpick on theme‘s metaphors.

„I‘m perfect“ -> A cool thing to use, but you implemented it a bit too much on the nose. It didn‘t felt subtle. 

Overall: I like the vn. It’s good food and I enjoyed it a lot. It has a lot of passion and I wanna see more of you in the future.

I also wanted to say that in my team:

Zavros music department

Someone already has dmned in discord already about the musician spot. Sorry for the inconvience timing!

Type of work: Volunteer/paid

About the project: I am creating a story Connection of Fungus. It's a lesbian story, where the mc runs away from home to persue a merchant life. (Current plot thread.) More shenanigans involving mushrooms are included.

For proofreading: I have my script already done, but I am not native or good at english. So I need someone to read through it and give me feedback for what did not work during reading and correct me on mistakes.

(Musician is already taken over! Thanks for anyone showing interest!)

For musician: I do not have too much money for this month, but I am willing to commission a ~45 second track with a nature theme for my beloved couple. More examples would be in dms at what I actually mean.

The art is done by me and programming, so I only need some help in those aspects ^^.

This one is personal story from me and for more infos ping me here or find me in discord as magimerlin or Magi Merlin | Peppekz.

Oh that would be really neat! Would love to work with you! Since I can't dm you here. My discord is 269807814527025152 or "Magi Merlin | Peppekz".  Just wanna enjoy the experience, too!

Hello!

I am Peppekz (commonly known as Magi Merlin). I wanna build a team together for the jam, since solo-developing is quite hard 

I can cover Programming in renpy, help out a lot on brainstorming and can cover some basic art assets if needed.

As I am not a native english speaker and not a person with great writing skills, I would search first and foremost for a writer. (We do not know the theme of the jam yet besides being MyWolf based)

Since the assests are delivered from the jam. An artist for designs/sprites/background would be optional team member.

I can commission someone for one or two tracks from a musician for the vn if needed. This is also an optional team member.

Hope you wanna join in on the jam and have me help you on your writing or support you. I would like to experience how to work as a team for such a jam.

Let’s have some good teamwork for the future and see what the future beholds for us!