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An Artifact Worth a War - OPR Writting Jam #10's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concepts & Originality | #59 | 3.143 | 3.143 |
| Adherence to Theme | #59 | 2.714 | 2.714 |
| Flow & Clarity | #62 | 2.464 | 2.464 |
| Overall | #62 | 2.774 | 2.774 |
Ranked from 28 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
The quotes and some of the word flow felt really jarring but the pacing was good. I think you could've maybe tied the consequence theme to the flesh vs machine theme a little tighter, but other those, a fine battle short
While I'm not usually a fan of the flow-of-consciousness style of writing, I was able to enjoy the narrative of the story through the subjective view of a grunt, who's view of this conflict portrays (rather accurately, judging by the stories that former members of the armed forces have told me) how the average soldier would view their job. It's a certainly grimdark story, fighting over an item not for any particular purpose, but instead just to deny the enemy the satisfaction of having it. Overall, I enjoyed it!
While I'm not usually a fan of the flow-of-consciousness style of writing, I was able to enjoy the narrative of the story through the subjective view of a grunt, who's view of this conflict portrays (rather accurately, judging by the stories that former members of the armed forces have told me) how the average soldier would view their job. It's a certainly grimdark story, fighting over an item not for any particular purpose, but instead just to deny the enemy the satisfaction of having it. Overall, I enjoyed it!
The unattributed quotes took some getting used to, but it did really help deliver that sense of urgency & chaos in the battlefield. Good work!
The unattributed quotes took some getting used to, but it did really help deliver that sense of urgency & chaos in the battlefield. Good work!
I enjoyed your use of the first-person perspective, and I think it was a good choice to make the story feel urgent and personal. The use of quotes in the formatting leaves me a little confused, though - are we hearing the unnamed main character's thoughts? Are they speaking into a radio? Talking to themselves? I think a little clarity there would really elevate the story for me.
Yes, originally it was supposed to be MC's last transmision, and every now and then there were sound effects. In the end it didn't quite fit, so I removed the effects but forgot to take down the quotes. Thanks for your comment.