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Capricorn (Too Old For Dying Young) - OPR Writing Jam #10 Submission's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #16 | 3.750 | 3.750 |
| Concepts & Originality | #18 | 3.893 | 3.893 |
| Overall | #24 | 3.571 | 3.571 |
| Adherence to Theme | #46 | 3.071 | 3.071 |
Ranked from 28 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Comments
I liked the themes and ideas here. Getting to see flavorful insight into the culture of the prime brothers and their short life spans is really cool. It definitely would hit harder if the word limit wasn't so harsh. Small discrepancy, that I might be misunderstanding; you said that the main character answered the conduit's call, except they are a prime brother. Im still very new to this lore but I thought battle brothers were serving the conduit and the prime brothers were fighting him.
Submitted
Expedition 131Yeah, I thought the cleanest (and most interesting) way to make my concept fit the jam's limitations was to show the beginning and the end and let the reader (hopefully) fill in the middle. It definitely wasn't because I just didn't want to write the middle. As far as the relationship between the Battle Brothers, the Prime Brothers, and the Conduit: I think I have it right? The Prime Brothers lore blurb on the OPR website describes Primes as "proudly dedicating their brief lives to the Conduit and his cause". I'm glad you enjoyed it!
This was a very touching take on the fraternal bonds of warriors. I wonder what happened to change the tone of the remembrance from one generation to the next. Guess I'll just have to keep an eye out for the continuation!
Submitted
With Honours - OPRWJ #10A great glimpse into the pride of the Grim Dark genre- the never ending cycle and the micro cultures born from war
Submitted
The PeacekeeperI loved the concept of this piece; the passing of old warriors and one last remembrance if lost comrades. I wasn't, however, invested in the character (appreciate this is really hard in a short piece) or really grasped the "consequence" theme.
Submitted
No Good Deed Goes UnpunishedGreat adherence to the theme and solid story flow! The concept of genetically enhanced soldiers facing their mortality was compelling. Loved how you explored the cyclical nature of their lives and battles.
Submitted
The Curse of CuriosityI quite liked this, the consequences of a path not taken of wanting more time is fairly universal. Well done 👍
Submitted
In the Name of a GodI really love the exploration of the Prime Brothers and how well you fleshed out the culture of the detachment in such a limited time, as well as the structure of the story. High marks overall from me! My only criticism is that I'm not sure 1000 words was enough to really effectively setup Sunan's eventual disillusionment. Just a limitation of the format, I think.
Submitted
Smoke Break - OPR Writing Jam #10I'm no expert so will do my best to provide constructive feedback :)
I really enjoyed this short story! Great scene setting. I particularly like the character arc also.
From experience I know its difficult to achieve, but the Adherence to the theme makes up one third of the ratings. I feel this element could have been stronger in the story for this competition.
I genuinely hope to read more of the story or similar from the writer in the future.
Submitted
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