Play story
Capricorn (Too Old For Dying Young) - OPR Writing Jam #10 Submission's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #16 | 3.750 | 3.750 |
| Concepts & Originality | #18 | 3.893 | 3.893 |
| Overall | #24 | 3.571 | 3.571 |
| Adherence to Theme | #46 | 3.071 | 3.071 |
Ranked from 28 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Leave a comment
Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.
Comments
Great world building.
Glad you liked it!
Original and engrossing. Very well done!
Thank you!
I like this look at a Prime Brother’s regret for a life not lived, and his participation in destruction—consequences of his choice to serve the Conduit. The jargon immersed me in the culture.
Thanks for your kind words! It's always difficult to fully realize a culture in just a thousand words, and I'm glad it landed for at least one reader.
I liked the themes and ideas here. Getting to see flavorful insight into the culture of the prime brothers and their short life spans is really cool. It definitely would hit harder if the word limit wasn't so harsh. Small discrepancy, that I might be misunderstanding; you said that the main character answered the conduit's call, except they are a prime brother. Im still very new to this lore but I thought battle brothers were serving the conduit and the prime brothers were fighting him.
Yeah, I thought the cleanest (and most interesting) way to make my concept fit the jam's limitations was to show the beginning and the end and let the reader (hopefully) fill in the middle.
It definitely wasn't because I just didn't want to write the middle.As far as the relationship between the Battle Brothers, the Prime Brothers, and the Conduit: I think I have it right? The Prime Brothers lore blurb on the OPR website describes Primes as "proudly dedicating their brief lives to the Conduit and his cause". I'm glad you enjoyed it!Oh yeah, look at that, the lore blob does say they serve the conduit. My bad. Still trying to dive into this lore myself
This was a very touching take on the fraternal bonds of warriors. I wonder what happened to change the tone of the remembrance from one generation to the next. Guess I'll just have to keep an eye out for the continuation!
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
A great glimpse into the pride of the Grim Dark genre- the never ending cycle and the micro cultures born from war
I'm glad you liked it! I was trying to capture that feeling in a way that's uniquely OPR rather than just being a 40K story with different names and I hope I succeeded.
I loved the concept of this piece; the passing of old warriors and one last remembrance if lost comrades. I wasn't, however, invested in the character (appreciate this is really hard in a short piece) or really grasped the "consequence" theme.
Thanks for your feedback, I'm glad you liked my idea!
Great adherence to the theme and solid story flow! The concept of genetically enhanced soldiers facing their mortality was compelling. Loved how you explored the cyclical nature of their lives and battles.
Thank you! I'm always happy to write about something that helps make OPR distinct from 40K.
Very well written!
Thank you!
I quite liked this, the consequences of a path not taken of wanting more time is fairly universal. Well done 👍
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I really love the exploration of the Prime Brothers and how well you fleshed out the culture of the detachment in such a limited time, as well as the structure of the story. High marks overall from me! My only criticism is that I'm not sure 1000 words was enough to really effectively setup Sunan's eventual disillusionment. Just a limitation of the format, I think.
Thank you for the kind words! The limited lifespans of the Prime Brothers really stood out to me as a way to make them different from both their 40K counterparts and regular Battle Brothers; I'm so glad the theme for this jam let me explore them a little more.
I'm no expert so will do my best to provide constructive feedback :)
I really enjoyed this short story! Great scene setting. I particularly like the character arc also.
From experience I know its difficult to achieve, but the Adherence to the theme makes up one third of the ratings. I feel this element could have been stronger in the story for this competition.
I genuinely hope to read more of the story or similar from the writer in the future.
I'm glad you liked it! I've got my previous jam entries on my profile, plus a few GDF stories I wrote outside of the jams, if you want to read more.