Play book
Shimmering death's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Adherence to the Theme | #20 | 3.536 | 3.536 |
| Concept & Originality | #23 | 3.643 | 3.643 |
| Overall | #29 | 3.190 | 3.190 |
| Flow & Clarity | #33 | 2.393 | 2.393 |
Ranked from 28 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
ooh, horror glass elves, nice
I like that idea that I can see forming here and showing someone's experiences fighting against the Elven Jesters has a lot of potential for atmosphere. I do feel like this story could have benefited from a couple of additional drafts or rereads to truly embrace the idea however. The journal nature of it is a fantastic framing device but would benefit from a bit of finetuning to get across what it is you are aiming for.
Either way though, as an idea and a framing, I love it.
I liked the idea you went with here; as I'm writing this I'm thirteen stories into the jam (fourteen counting mine) and I've yet to see anyone use the Elven Jester faction. Well done there.
It's always tricky using a journal - especially one that's supposed to be an official military log - as a framing device. I felt that some of the action felt rushed and under-described, but at the same time you don't want to fall into the trap of people writing multi-chapter epics while under fire.
You did a solid job of capturing what the horror of fighting the Jesters would have been like, with a great evocation of some of the most iconic wargear in the game setting.
Nice work! I dig the consecutive journal writers.
Very, very evocative. The journaling approach gives the story an immediacy that really drew me in. That was very well done!
The prose and flow of the story could have been much better with some attention to punctuation, spelling, and grammar. Done carefully, you could probably get away with some of that in the name of a "journal", but it was very distracting.
Good twist at the end, though--I didn't see that coming, and it really drove the nail in at the finish!
There's a lot of strong, evocative imagery here. A lot of the prose flows like it would in poetry which may dissuade some from this work but I personally enjoy. Additionally, it was an interesting take on the theme which I believe could've used a bit more buildup to the payoff at the end.
A lot of the strengths of this piece are hindered by the technical aspects of the work. It would benefit from having more apparent structure to the journal/black box storytelling aspect as in most places it became difficult to follow. Near the end it became somewhat confusing who was telling the story at that point but that may have just been me. It also would not hurt the piece to break up the paragraphs into more sentences.
Overall, with the distinct imagery and beautiful prose to prop it up, the story would've been a more solid piece if it had more time to bake in the oven. Good job though!
Thank you, it means a lot for me to hear that, I tried to use my favorite faction with the prose that suit the faction, but with another point of view to reflect the theme of the jam
I won't try to put all the flaws of the story into the constrains of the jam, because thats the way the jam work, but, I write this in under 2 hours because I totaly forgot about the jam