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Powder Bite's itch.io pageResults
Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
Adherence to the Theme | #17 | 3.830 | 3.941 |
Concept & Originality | #20 | 3.659 | 3.765 |
Overall | #23 | 3.411 | 3.510 |
Flow & Clarity | #32 | 2.744 | 2.824 |
Ranked from 17 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
I found what was going on hard to follow - not in the sense of moment-by-moment action; that was quite clear, but rather the bigger picture, such as why the main character was taken captive, and what her captor's need for her was. The central artifact also could have used some more exposition, especially considering it stops talking after one line. As I think that was supposed to be the 'unconventional weapon', I would have liked to know some more about it. Not a lot, but something would have helped.
If you had to guess, what would the bigger picture be?
I don't know. Every time I try to come up with something, one or more details in the story contradicts it. The biggest issue for me was how little importance the alchemist (seems) to attach to the bite guard. He casually wears it on his belt as he's messing around in the dungeon, as opposed to leaving it locked in a safe or sealed in a magic circle. He doesn't react to Verona taking it and never tries to, e.g., warn her of its dangers or threaten her to get it back. And yet I can't envision him not knowing he's wearing a magical artifact on his belt, so why doesn't he seem all that bothered when Verona gets free literally by magic, snatches the bite guard, and runs? He reacts to her picking up the gunpowder, but a) an escaped prisoner with a bag of gunpowder is a problem whether or not she's wearing a daemonic bite guard, and b) it's ambiguous if he's even aware she's wearing the guard at that point. Does he care about it, or doesn't he? Thinking about it, I can't really say from the text if he even knows it's possessed, since neither he nor the daemon show any signs they've ever talked to each other.
A close second is how inexplicable of an artifact the bite guard itself is. If it's the alchemist's creation, as a weapon that can be used to eat gunpowder and spit fireballs, why on Tyria has he chosen perhaps the most convoluted way to weaponize gunpowder that I've ever heard of? And it's not for lack of inspiration: the Human army in AOF has cannons and mortars and even rockets as standard issue. If it's something he found and is trying to come up with a use for, again, it's at best extremely contrived, and if nothing else invites the same questions as to what his endgame is for this daemonically-possessed object he's found, because there's very little he could accomplish with it that he couldn't accomplish equally well with a bomb or grenade, and without submitting to a daemon's power in the process.
Why does the alchemist need blood? Maybe for alchemy? Maybe to keep the daemon contained... ergh, somehow? (But how, and why, and why didn't/isn't it working when Verona steals the guard?) What are the alchemist's plans for the bite guard? Who knows; I can't even get a read on how important he thinks it is or even whether or not he's aware of its powers.
I didn't set out to put a wall of text here, but I wanted you to understand that this isn't a lack of information problem, it's more about the details that I did have not fitting together into enough of a picture. Anything I try to resolve the issues would be wild guessing with no basis. Now that I've written this out, a lot of ambiguity could be cleared up simply by adding a line or two describing the alchemist's reactions to Verona's stealing and wearing the guard (I assume, despite the ambiguity in the actual text, that you intended him to know what it is and what it does). Shifting the first half of the story to his perspective, so we get a look at his methods and goals, and then how that backfires on him when Verona escapes, would be even better.
Edited to add; I hope this is actually helpful. My intention is to outline what it was that made things feel unclear to me so that you can take that feedback and do with it what you will; ignore it, use it to rework the story, keep in mind for later. It's still a good work of writing, honestly, and I hope that you take my (extensive) thoughts here in the spirit they're offered.
'The alchemist once more walked into Veronas cell, a butcher's knife and a blood-bucket in his hands'
what a way to begin a story
I also used a character named Verona in a Dutchy of Vinci themed story, maybe they are related!
Veronas's escape leaves me wondering more about the world - where is she located? Where will she find the rest of the guild members, and what path of destruction will she carve to get to them? The focus on the mouth-guard and it's unconventional use helped ensure the story stayed adherent to the theme.
As noted, paragraph breaks would have helped this story flow better. It felt a bit dense to read in its current state.
Thanks for sharing this for the writing jam!
Some interesting thoughts here, I think an expanded word count past the 1000 mark would have allowed further expansion and world-building.
Would have been nice to see more paragraph breaks, but still loved this tale.