Play book
A child of the pack's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #25 | 3.167 | 3.167 |
| Concept & Originality | #32 | 3.333 | 3.333 |
| Adherence to the Theme | #33 | 2.667 | 2.667 |
| Overall | #33 | 3.056 | 3.056 |
Ranked from 18 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
Aha, another Jackal story!
I liked this overall; it was a good buildup, like watching a storm about to break. I appreciate not knowing what the results of the narrator's return will be (even though they're perfectly convinced of what will happen!), although I would have appreciated a little more information on what is likely to occur (at the same time, the story is 1st-person limited and the narrator is telling us everything they could reasonably know at that point in time).
I think this was a good use of the 'unconventional weapon' idea - a weapon powerful enough to change a society's way of life has to be pretty "unconventional" - but here I would definitely have preferred an idea of what exactly the weapon might be. Not exact technical specifications, but a hint or allusion as to its nature or powers or capabilities; all I know is that it's large enough an adult Jackal has to drag it rather than carry it. Is it "just" a weapon? Is it psychic or even daemonic in nature? What can it do - destroy cities, control minds, raise the dead? What? A hint or two would both make the story more satisfying, and actually help the rising tension you were going for, as I could better picture what was about to happen when the narrator reaches their destination.
In any case, a good story overall, and a nice piece of writing!
thank you, this is very nice feedback.
Felt like it wasn't about the topic, but a really great story that made me want to learn more about the character and its siblings fates. I hope the object being dragged along is what the character hopes it is, and not something either useless or worse... capable beyond even their grand expectations.
a great little short story, my only complaint is that i wish it were longer!
Nice story - you built well around the omission of the details around the mysterious object the protagonist was dragging. There were also some excellent lines that underscored the nature of the Jackals. One of my favorites was "I am the son of a king, but my siblings are counted by the dozen.
This story has a solid plot and I could follow along. The idea of a Jackal traveling the galaxy to gain knowledge to use in his mission is fun and I understand the intent of the story to the mystery of his unconventional weapon. That said, with space left for more writing, I think paying off on that mystery of his weapon would have really helped the story. At the very least, hinting beyond it being heavy and technology from other races would better allow the reader to draw their own conclusions on what this great device was to help in his mission.
I'd love to see this story expanded in the future, should you choose to do so.
I do certainly regret not developing the thing a little further. I will start my collection of jackals as soon as I finish my current project, and I am pretty sure I will write some other background.
cheers, and thanks.