Play Story
Turncoats - OPR Writing Jam #5 Submission's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #5 | 4.116 | 4.235 |
| Concept & Originality | #20 | 3.659 | 3.765 |
| Overall | #22 | 3.449 | 3.549 |
| Adherence to the Theme | #35 | 2.572 | 2.647 |
Ranked from 17 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Leave a comment
Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.
Comments
I enjoyed this; a little different take on the 'standard' form for a story like this one. Appropriately enough you conveyed the camaraderie between Maya and Holly very well. I wasn't quite sure what you intended the actual unconventional weapon to be, unless it was supposed to be abstract ideals? A well-done piece in any case.
I'm glad you liked it! I had a brief moment of panic when I realized how far into the word count I was and had to cut nearly three hundred words, so it's nice to hear it went over well.
One of my favorites - you managed fit some nice characterization of both the ship and the captain into the format. I enjoyed the nods to other aspects of the setting: past conflicts against the Starhost, the Legion as liberators of the ship AI.
And the sci-fi brushstrokes with which you paint the story are satisfying. I found myself grinning at the banter between Holly (love the shortening of the ship name) and the captain regarding the background temperature. The marine vital signs tooks me back to Aliens, while the refusal of the ship to allow the shutdown was reminiscent of another AI sharing the same first initial.
Overall a story that I very much enjoyed - it left me wanting to read more!
Thank you! I wanted to write something that was a Grimdark Future story, not just a Warhammer story with the names changed; it felt too heavy-handed to refer to them as the capital- R, capital-L Robot Legions, like I'm dropping the title of the movie and then looking directly into the camera.
Well, except for the Saurian Starhost, because that's a killer name.
A well written story with a lot of character to the lore. As mentioned by Hobby Fuzion, it definitely reminded me of 2001, ("I'm afraid I can't let you do that"). I had the same thoughts on what the adversary was as well. Machine Cult Defilers and Robot Legions crossed my minds, as well as some bizarre sort of demonic faction. Captain Maya Tem is extremely well developed for 1000 words.
Curious on your thoughts of what was the unconventional weapon here? The boarders and their mercurial forms? The ship's AI, which prevents the captain from completing her action at a pivotal moment? The Gravsuit for being the thing that truly stops her?
I'm glad you liked it! Honestly, I think if this was a cheesy 80's action movie the poster tagline would be "Maya Tem is... an UNCONVENTIONAL WEAPON" - even endlessly-changing liquid metal is a conventional weapon, if you happen to be a Robot Legionnaire.
But a HDF Captain defecting to the Robot Legions? That's something you don't see every day (and wouldn't happen at all in That Other Game). It's the Naval Department's fault, really - they made Maya and Holly into highly effective weapons and then just... forgot that if you leave a loaded gun lying around long enough, someone's going to pull the trigger.
An interesting twist on 2001 type AI, would have made that movie much shorter if the computer could take control of the space suits!
Apologies, were the boarders intended as Machine Cult or Machine Cult Defilers (assumed not Robot Legion due to the Alan Turing reference)?
I actually did intend the boarders to be Robot Legions - I like my robots to be more than just mindless killers, so I wanted to give them a reason for fighting that's more than the "destroy all biological life forms" the current army book has as their background.
Very well written.
Thank you!