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A jam submission

Poisoned GenerationsView project page

Submission for OPR Writing Jam #6
Submitted by mk812 — 23 hours, 45 minutes before the deadline
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Play book

Poisoned Generations's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Overall#54.1524.152
Adherence to the Theme#64.1824.182
Flow & Clarity#64.0914.091
Concept & Originality#134.1824.182

Ranked from 22 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted

Nice world building and morale conflict! The feeling of struggle and isolation comes off well in the setup. Going to imagine rat mamas all have beads for each brood now, a nice unique detail

Submitted

great story, really enjoyed the meaning behind the necklace.

Submitted

An interesting read, I particularly liked how the ratlike traits were used to shape the perception of the world, and the use of alchemy as an analogy bound to the plot. The lack of recognizing a family scent immediately struck me as a bit confusing though.

Submitted

Enjoyed the core concept here, and a lot of the details used to explore the moral conflict at the center of the story. Solid use of the theme, and a great choice of faction for this approach, but it does feel like the time crunch really held this story back from having the great character beats that would make it sing. Looking forward to reading more of your work!

Submitted

I personally am a bit biased towards human factions in fiction, but even I felt the conviction of the Ratmen in this one.

Submitted

I appreciate what you were trying to do - I always like when a writer puts their own, unique Tyrian spin on the "legacy" characterizations of the factions. That said, considering your emphasis on the importance of family, I found it jarring that the narrator requires some time to recognize Lucille's scent, to the point where she (implicitly) threatens Lucille with a gun. I think the theme of 'family' is also somewhat undercut by having the whole story as a one-on-one dialogue. I would have been tempted to attach the narrator's workshop to her home directly, allowing more than one other ratperson to interact with her and letting us actually see how the broods look in daily life.

As far as the actual theme of the jam goes I like what you've done here with the parallels and contrasts between the human creators and their ratmen "children". I found the narrator's perception of the humans' actions towards the ratmen as a betrayal of a family relationship to be very powerful and evocative, and I liked the use of alchemy as a point both of contact and divergence.

Submitted

great example there are two sides to everything and no matter how similar can still lead to expected actions. Nicely done!

Submitted

This actually made me tear up, I'm a sucker for family bonds and how they're affected by strife.