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Detained: Too Good for School's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Clarity | #20 | 3.039 | 3.154 |
| Unique Selling Point | #24 | 2.817 | 2.923 |
| Overall Pitch Quality | #25 | 2.668 | 2.769 |
| Engagement | #27 | 2.372 | 2.462 |
Ranked from 13 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Judge feedback
Judge feedback is anonymous and shown in a random order.
- Feedback submitted as Indie Legion.
- The pitch deck is clear and the trailer is well-edited to draw in the viewer. The tweet lacked a clear CTA.
- Good artwork and the Press Kit is nicely laid out. Suggestions: -- Flesh out your tweet. The pitch in your Press Kit is good and would work with a bit of tweaking: A 2D mini-openworld action RPG that simulate a delinquent high school girls life and her vengeance story. Female duo protagonist, multiple endings, beat'em up gameplay with strong RPG elements. -- Get someone to proofread and edit your Press Kit and tweet before submitting to #PitchYaGame. Note: Make sure you read the rules of PYG. You are only supposed to submit once to PitchYaGame during the designated day / time so your current tweet doesn't count. https://pitchyagame.com/how-to-pitch/ NB: Posts made outside of official times will not count as an entry for consideration for an award.
- I like the reversal of gender roles; women as tough delinquents! It was refreshing in that regard. It seems to be quite well put together artistically, visually... which are always a plus! The issue stems from me seeing as just a beat-em-up brawler with a schoolgirl filter and I don't know if that's enough, personally for me. Perhaps it's a little unfair to base it on that at this stage.
- Make sure you do not quote tweet for PYG Would like to see more of the game's unique features in the press kit Great use of gifs on the itchio page
- The presskit could use some elaboration on the game.
PitchYaPitch Tweet
https://twitter.com/OTKCanlinLiu/status/1452540186957520903
Press Kit Link (DevLog Update)
http://www.otkgames.com/html/presskit.html
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Comments
I think adding some details about what makes your game different from others like it would help get people excited to try your game. I love the logo - excellent work on the design!
I like the art and setting. I was a bit lost from the tweet itself. I'd work to improve this with a few hooks on why I should be motivated to play the game itself.
Your elevator pitch is very good. I would like to see more of a description of the game in the press kit.
Feedback submitted as Indie Legion.
Good artwork and the Press Kit is nicely laid out.
Suggestions:
-- Flesh out your tweet. The pitch in your Press Kit is good and would work with a bit of tweaking:
A 2D mini-openworld action RPG that simulate a delinquent high school girls life and her vengeance story.
Female duo protagonist, multiple endings, beat'em up gameplay with strong RPG elements.
-- Get someone to proofread and edit your Press Kit and tweet before submitting to #PitchYaGame.
Note: Make sure you read the rules of PYG. You are only supposed to submit once to PitchYaGame during the designated day / time so your current tweet doesn't count.
Love the tagline - Irresponsible Schoolgirl Simulator, it's clear and I know exactly what your game is from that :) The presskit and the trailer are good, your tweet needs some work. You should include the trailer as part of your tweet, and maybe expand on what makes the game cool/unique (rather than new build on the way).
I really love your art!! The trailer has high energy and is so cool. The tweet could use the trailer in it to stand out, as #PitchYaGame mainly judges the tweet and not so much the itch or steam page.
+ Vibrant, flashy appearance and in your face about it!
+ A loud personality! Indifferent attitude kinda like its characters
+ Curious about the story
- All in all it's just a beat-em-up. At least to me.
- I'm worried it will undo its painting of the female leads and cross the over-gratuity line.
It was very clear, but didn't have a hook. Maybe focus more on what's unique about it
I didnt see something effective, you have really good game but not games will not sell it self.