Play book
Wardens in the Mist's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Adherence to Theme | #6 | 3.810 | 3.810 |
| Flow & Clarity | #20 | 3.571 | 3.571 |
| Overall | #22 | 3.571 | 3.571 |
| Concepts & Originality | #36 | 3.333 | 3.333 |
Ranked from 21 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
A nicely written story that I really enjoyed. A bit of a slow start but once I got into it, the imagery was brilliant.
Excellent descriptions in this one, really embraces some of the best aspects of fantasy writing. I would happily read more of this.
Cheers, that's really kind of you to say. I've always enjoyed writing fantasy over sci-fi.
I feel you went to big with this scope. I feel this could be a whole chapter if not a book. You only have one page and the first third of the story was world building that didn't have any effect on the story so it felt a little wasted. Because of that I feel you have any time to flesh out any of the characters. Also I feel the ending was rushed and then just abruptly ended. This huge battle starts then just ends with no satisfying conclusion. Your writing skills are there, but I was narrow down the story next time. I did the same thing last Jam.
Thanks for the feedback! You're absolutely right about the tight real estate of 1000 words. There's no doubt my story is quite pulpy; I wanted to get some epic fantasy in there hence the series of fast moving scenes and variety of setting. The ending is absolutely abrupt and intentionally ambiguous. I think 1000 words is far too little space to have your character sitting around navel gazing, especially when there's such a tight limit to how well the reader can really get to know the characters.
I did find this a bit hard to follow. That said I was right in the room with them when the ground shook and the Eye blasted that beacon of light.
I swore a bit when that happened. Almost readied myself to die alongside them.
Thanks for the feedback! Which bits did you find hard to follow?
Haha, yes the eruption of the beacon was fun to write, I pretty much just stole the Idol scene from Raiders of the lost arc and mixed it with Pippin dropping the bucket down the well in Moria, only difference is Eternal Wardens don't run away.
I kept having to go back and check which Warden was who. For example when one of them stood with their greatsword out I liked that imagery, then two more readied warhammers. Then a fourth (that I had forgotten about) swung his warhammer in combat but because I went from the warhammers and the fourth didn't have their names my first thought was "wait, didn't he have a sword?" So I had to skip back to confirm names and numbers.
It's possible that I didn't pick up enough on the unique aspects of each character which is why I struggled. On its own I wouldn't worry too much about what I'm saying, get a broader perspective.
If most people follow just fine then the issue is with me and not your writing ;)
Nah these are great points. I recall going through the Eternal Wardens' list and finding the great sword upgrade (Malek's weapon) and then saw that the remaining two could have dual warhammers. In retrospect I probably should have made more definition between the characters and given Aleric, who is supposed to be an Eternal Lord, a more unique weapon too.
There's definitely something to be said for the way two warhammers look great on a mini, but sound ridiculous in prose.
Nah, I'm happy with the warhammers in general. It takes a lot to throw off my suspension of belief. I honestly loved the greatsword inclusion too. The atmosphere was good, there were good interactions between the Wardens. I could genuinely see they were a close-knit unit. Loved how the seeing stone completely backfired too, I'm a fan of situations where characters are like "ok, let's get out quietly...........balls." and you really delivered there.
Excellent work! You really captured the feel of the setting.
Thanks for the feedback, that's kind of you to say.