itch.io

It was a decent story, but one of the issues I had with the story is I feel I was just told everything but I wasn't shown anything. I didn't feel any real action, just standing around and being told what was going on. We are told they can't make it in but why? We are told the situation is hopelessly but why is it? Why did he feel the situation was hopeless? I hope that makes sense. 

I am not trying to be harsh, just critical as this is a competition and I hope this helps make your next story that much better. I feel like this went more according to plan than it didn't, just not the MCs plan. I didn't really feel the MC had a plan just a general mission. Also the time jumps felt unnecessary and a little confusing. I would have focused more on the ending and trying to make the reader connect to that as with the short time you have, why they were they doesn't really matter since the MC doesn't even know what he is retrieving. 

A decent story, it was a fun little excursion. What I think would have really elevated your story would be being more descriptive. You left a lot of blank space that could have been filled with more descriptions to help us feel like we were down there with the dwarves. The middle of your story was the strongest when you did that, but unfortunately I felt the beginning and end just lacked that extra sauce. Also I would have had more consequences for the early explosion. It felt the plan still went off they just had a minor set back. I would have really liked to see them have to improvise due to a larger consequence. Over good, I enjoyed it

Being completely honest as this is a competition, this feels incomplete. I understand the story, but I feel there was no plan. It was just a fight with an unexpected enemy. There was no planning step and the hole battle was chaotic and impulsive, which is good for a battle, but bad for a plan. Also next time feel free to be more descriptive. How did the battle field sound? Did the guns kick like a mule or was he able to keep control? Next time feel free to give the MC a few traits of their own. It felt a little like generic solder fighting a battle, which is fine but hard to make a connection to. I was able to understand the flow of the story but being honest nothing stood out or grabbed me. Please don't take this personal and continue to write and improve. 

I like what you were trying to do. The views from both sides helped flesh out each character and their side of the story. I feel you didn't have enough room though to fully realize your story. It felt a little rushed and detached at times. You have this huge event going down and each side viewing the battle through their eyes, but the space you had limited how much time we spend with each so I feel you were able to tell us what happened but I didn't get enough time with either to really pick a side to root for. I also feel the the main climax just kinda happened. It didn't separate itself enough from the rest of the story. With only one page I wouldn't focus so much on the world building as I would the characters and the main events. Over all very Solid. 

That was a fun story I enjoyed it. 

I feel you went to big with this scope. I feel this could be a whole chapter if not a book. You only have one page and the first third of the story was world building that didn't have any effect on the story so it felt a little wasted. Because of that I feel you have any time to flesh out any of the characters. Also I feel the ending was rushed and then just abruptly ended. This huge battle starts then just ends with no satisfying conclusion. Your writing skills are there, but I was narrow down the story next time. I did the same thing last Jam. 

I feel like you have a great start, and some really talent. It just needed a little more time in the oven. You had decent descriptions, but it felt a little jumpy. Instead of just flowing I feel it went fast, slow, fast slow, even in the action. One thing that I feel held it back was I never felt worried for the MC. It didn't go as planned but I never felt she was in danger. She was also too fast or pulling another gadget out of her bag so to say. I did enjoy the story, and the Saturday morning cartoon ending made me smile. Please keep writing as I think you have talent. 

Good take on the Dredd vs undead, I do feel it started to get a little unclear who was who in the second half though. Very Grim Dank though

That was an enjoyable read. I liked the opposite personalities, the cold computer and the psychotic disease leader.

Nice little callback to die-hard there, fun story. 

I enjoyed this one a lot, it really felt like the beginning of a beautiful draining- I mean friendship.

I enjoyed this one a lot, it really felt like the beginning of a beautiful draining- I mean friendship.

I would have cut the ending, it just felt really out of place and cheapened the story I feel. It went from being unlikely to manufactured allies. Also, the same issue with my story the scope of the story was entirely too large for 1000 words.

I would have cut the ending, it just felt really out of place and cheapened the story I feel. It went from being unlikely to manufactured allies. Also, the same issue with my story the scope of the story was entirely too large for 1000 words.

It was a fun read and I enjoyed the story. The world-building helped this story feel like a small part of something larger. I will say though, next time read your story out loud and that will help iron out some of the less obvious kinks. 

It was a fun read and I enjoyed the story. The world-building helped this story feel like a small part of something larger. I will say though, next time read your story out loud and that will help iron out some of the less obvious kinks. 

I feel like there is a good story here, I am just not the target audience. I had a hard time reading this, I would suggest reading it out loud next time during editing to assist with how it flows. I do appreciate this was fun and not what I normally read. 

Excellently written, this felt like a perfect snapshot of a larger world. I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Interesting story, but I feel you fell into the same trap I did and did not realize how short a thousand words are. I liked how instead of just being weird things bad, it played on our own bias. I will say next time you write I would read it out loud and that will help with the flow a bit more. 

It was a fun and light-hearted story I enjoyed. I did stumble with some of the dialogue as it didn't feel entirely natural. I do enjoy how you focused on the relationship instead of the action, fun little story that made me smile. 

Yeah, I am honestly not satisfied with the story I did not realize how little a story a thousand words was when I sat down. I ended up writing almost 2000 and had to cut half the story. Almost ran out of time, I'll be ready next time. Thank you for the critique. 

I sat down to write and the next thing I knew I spat out 2000 words lol. I cut a lot of stuff out and almost ran out of time. Thank you for the kind words.