Thanks! I had an outline idea then did some research as TBH I don't know enough of the in-depth lore etc. for OPR / 40k Inquisition, which I would have liked to include. Even though i wanted to add more, I ran out of time unfortunately. So I kept the setting to the one location and sprinkled in some lore :)
Thanks for taking the time to comment and give constructive feedback.
I'm no expert so will do my best to provide constructive feedback :)
I really enjoyed this short story! Great scene setting. I particularly like the character arc also.
From experience I know its difficult to achieve, but the Adherence to the theme makes up one third of the ratings. I feel this element could have been stronger in the story for this competition.
I genuinely hope to read more of the story or similar from the writer in the future.
I’m no expert so I will try to leave constructive feedback :)
I enjoyed the highly descriptive writing that reminded me of poetic prose. Occasionally there was a bit too much description though. Maybe consider reducing the balance of description to add more conversation and story / character development ?
This is a 48hr story writing marathon, focused on writing one-page stories set in the OPR universe. The writing jam runs from April 12th, at 8PM UK time / 3PM ET time, to April 14th, at 8PM UK time / 3PM ET time.
The story has to follow the theme: Consequences
The story must fit on a single sheet, using the template provided.
The story must be at least 500 words long, and at most 1000 words long.
The story must be set in the OPR universe (Grimdark Future / Age of Fantasy).
Every story must be submitted along with a visual moodboard.
What will the stories be judged on? The criteria are "Concept & Originality", "Flow & Clarity" and "Adherence to the Theme".
Hi, thanks for you feedback. Yes - I chose not to make the unlikely ally the obvious in the story. I avoided the cartoon like approach of saying - look an elf and an orc (for example), who are obviously not allies but will be in this story. My version of unlikely allies is supposed to be more realistic (hopefully!). The idea was that Donoghue and his "buddy" Zahir were subsidiary versions of unlikely allies (as why does Zahir stay allies with Donoghue who mistreats him). The main usage is Donoghue and Fenton/Brookes - as Donoghue is supposed to be selfish etc. so is not a likely ally in terms of friendships. It was not a strong representation, especially compared to the other stories i've read where its often right in your face, so I suppose I could aim prioritise the theme so its clearer for readers :)
Hi. I particularly enjoyed the world building and introduction of the protagonist at the start - it reminded me of the Hobbits in Hobbiton! Great bit of humour/cuteness at the end also :)
Hi. I enjoyed the story, world building and ending. I get people's different views on it, and your response.
If anything, I think cutting the first paragraph opening, and starting from the orc seeing the smoke trail would have been a good option/technique of how characters are slowly revealed; ellowin introducing himself to grog instead of the writer to the reader. Then you could have had more word count for other bits that you mention. Just a thought, not criticism, for future jams or similar. :)
Thanks! and yes, I was in something called the University of London Officer Training Corps - its the Territorial Army or Reserves for university students. A loooong time ago :)
Thanks for your feedback and positivity! I am trying to get into writing at the moment, and this is my first piece in this setting. My other few have been a few children's poems. Yes - I struggled to make the unlikely allies theme the forefront. TBH my version of unlikely allies is quite nuanced at best lol The idea was that Donoghue and his "mate" Zahir were secondary versions of unlikely allies, and the main one being Donoghue trying to help Fenton. It was not a strong enough job by me, especially compared to the other stories i've read where its often right in your face! But I suppose I need to learn to hit the brief properly instead of write my own version :)
