I can't say it does much for the main theme, nor does it maintain clarity very well, but there's something here. There's a strong idea that could/should be further explored.
Very high marks. Using nostalgia as a way to recount stories is very nice, but more importantly it was well-woven into the current task. It did feel meandering a little bit, but that's not one of the criteria, and it flowed nicely which is one of the criteria.
Yeah, that's perfect scores across the board. Not perfect in terms of it being a perfect story, but in each of the jam's categories it excels. Best I've read so far, though the technical formatting could use some improvements. I think our heroine here might be a bit... godmodded, but hey not that far out of left field for what you can get out of GF's lore. If this was starquest, that feels like a fully leveled character.
A definite five-stars in adherence to theme, though I do have to note how it feels anti-climactic. The conclusion is effectively: he did the thing he thought about doing. Posing using bodies as an option much earlier detracted from any major significance it could have had as a conclusion.
Some solid work here, though it very much feels like we left off on a cliffhanger. I don't think the story would have worked if you tried to condense it, so for the space allocated, it's interesting and has room to tell a much grander tale, but does feel incomplete, not by the fault of the writer but by the assignment.
While I wouldn't say I was quite enthralled by it, the story was decently paced out with a fairly clear introduction of a problem and path to a solution. The transitions between dialogue were easy to understand, but perhaps a bit clunky. Overall, still a solid piece.
Probably the biggest lesson to be learned is the application of "show don't tell". There's minimal text just setting up the scene or describing actions without dialogue, and that would be a good first step to overall improvement. I don't mind dialogue-heavy writing, but this is somewhat akin to a visual novel or script.
UHMMMM ACKSHULLY, alpha is followed by bravo in the NATO phonetic alphabet!
Jokes aside, I think the story focuses a bit too much on describing and detailing the scene for how little page space is allotted. The sheer detailing of the tech reminds me of the Half Life HEV suit. It's nice to see some dynamics with other factions, but I do think it focused a bit too narrowly on the details that are ultimately not that important.
Check out This War of Mine if you wanna be both hopeful and sad. Check out Spec Ops the Line (if you can find it, it's been delisted due to expired music licenses) if you want to be be sad and have your perspectives severely altered.
I love the concept of AdMech, but because of the inherent stagnancy of 40k's setting, they don't get to do much interesting as a faction. OPR having a more fluid and flexible setting leaves so much room for interesting goings-on.
The interactions between the student and professor are a bit heavy-handed, albeit not entirely unrealistic. The departure from wanting recognition for scholarly excellence to "[give me what I want and burn the rest]" is somewhat... odd. I take it our "heroine" may have not been the most pure soul in the first place, but I don't consider that a mark against the story. Overall it had a good pace and flow, barring the six month time skip during which I cannot fathom what bridged the gap between those two scenes.
I think it needed more time to build up the intrigue it could've had based on the concept, but I suppose that's the limitation of the writing jam. It very much feels like the prelude to a grander story.
