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Dark Origins's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #29 | 3.476 | 3.696 |
| Overall | #48 | 3.231 | 3.435 |
| Adherence to Theme | #53 | 2.944 | 3.130 |
| Concepts & Originality | #53 | 3.271 | 3.478 |
Ranked from 23 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
It felt like the beginning of The Last of US, which is not a bad thing, but I think Elves are more interesting when they are distinctly alien. That's a taste thing though. The theme may have been more powerful if this character was shown doing something that established him as doing Dark Elf things at the end.
I thought murdering someone with your bare hands was a pretty Dark Elf thing to do?
Feels like a backstory to some kind of a sci-fi villain, which I absolutely love! The theme of the jam in not present enough, in my opinion, otherwise, good job.
Can I get a chance to change your mind?
You're right it is an origin story, one for the Dark Elves. The story is set during the rise of the Robot Legion in Grimdark Future Lore. The High Elves intentionally cut off the escape routs for the poor so they could save themselves, as a direct "consequence" of that they created the Dark Elf faction which hates them.
So that's how, in my mind anyway, I thought it would fit into the Lore and meet the Theme of Consequences for the jam. The entire story is the consequences. Well that's what I was aiming for anyways :D
Now that you explain it here, I can see where it came from. However, that explanation should have been a part of the story. I must say that it is my fault for not remembering the lore of the Dark Elves, but you also should keep in mind that people without knowledge of the official lore might read your story.
I was considering that as I was writing it. I've seen quite a few stories drop a line or two for background, but it didn't seem right since the story was written from the first person perspective of someone that wouldn't be in possession of the full facts themselves.
Some people asked why I had the last part of him waking up on the ship, when the story would be fine ending with the parent going on a rampage. It's because getting off the world is what makes them a Dark Elf Raider. Perhaps I should have added a sentence about raiding and with the word dark at the end that would nod to that fact... but I didn't want to be too on the nose.
Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read and comment :D
I was really drawn in by the idea of the story. Your storytelling is great to me. It flows smoothly and is very easy to visualize. Big points for that. I did feel that the end left me wanting to see more of a climactic moment with the consequences at least partially seen. I did feel the thematic part for the jam was a little light and I would like to know a little more as to why the robots or the elites were performing these horrific acts. Keep up the good work as the flow is very pleasant to keep my mind engaged.
Hi. I'm glad you liked the story.
The events in the story take place during an important part of Grimdark Future lore. If you're interested you can see more on that specific part I made a little Lore video. I'll link it for you incase you are interested.
I could have spent more time explaining the robots but firstly the word limit held me back and secondly the theme was Consequences... So I wanted to focus on the consequences of the High Elves actions, and rise of the Robot Legions, in making the Dark Elves.
I hope that explains the choices I made. What do you think?
Definitely one of the more brutal stories I've read so far here! This gives great "apocalypse is happening" energy. The fleeing civilians, the traffic jam, and the military over-reaction all give War of the World vibes, which I love.
I'm not sure how I feel about the first person though. I think it tricks writers into telling, rather than showing some information. "my world narrowing to the sight of her lifeless eyes" rather than "my vision narrowed - her lifeless eyes stared into mine" or something like that. That being said, you did a great job of avoiding some of the repetition that tends to plague first person writing!
Overall, excellent story and a great look at the Robot Legion and Elf relationship in the lore!
Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment.
I agree with you about first person perspective and I talked about that in the discord. I’m not really a fan of writing in first person, as it always feels a bit “cheesey” to me. But I wanted the reader to emphasize with the protagonist, before I destroyed their life 😈, and with the limited word count it seemed like a good technique to do that.
Well that was brutal...in a good way! There was quite a lot in the set up, the robots were kinda incidental (although I get the link to lore it didn't aid the story), but it did a great job for the gut punch. Genuinely still feeling a little! Didn't think the last paragraph was needed tbh, the good work was already done.
Thanks for leaving a comment. Sorry for the brutality but I’m glad you liked it 😉.
The reason I made those choices was because of the theme “consequences” and to tie it to the lore. The rise of the robot legions is the instigating incident in the narrative and as a consequence of the ruling elite sacrificing the lower classes they created the Dark Elf faction.
On reflection I suppose I could have cut the last bit out and have the consequence the parent and child die… but I was hoping that the reader might emphasize with the parents rage so the story might have a lasting effect.
Haha don't apologise, I assume it was exactly the emotional response you were going for, and you nailed it!
As a parent I can say unequivocally that I empathised with the parents rage and revenge!! I think that's why the last bit was a bit odd as that emotional peak overshadowed the lore aspect (especially as I'm more into AoF!).
Anyway, loved the story, great job!
Yeah, looking back I could have cut the end, slightly expanded the bit about the rampage and the left over word count would have meant I could have saved some of the extra content I cut. Perhaps I should aim to finish on more of a climax next time.
I almost typed "this just needs some neceon tripods to complete the WotW vibes" but I had only missed it on the first read. It felt a little slow in the middle but an absolute adventure, I love this use of the theme!
Thanks. But I’m afraid people not familiar with Grimdark Future Lore might not get how it fits the theme?
Yeah, I’m a huge fan of the classic war of the worlds! I love those kinds of movies. Just watched Season One of The Three Body Problem which I also though was really good.
I love the vibes of the story. The tripods looming over the hill and attacking was pretty awesome. I enjoyed the ending. It was a nice build up to the strong emotions.
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
I tried to cram as much narrative as I could into 1k words <LOL>.
The story is set during the rise of the Robot Legions, which is an important part of Grimdark Future lore.
The Dark Elf Raider faction are a direct consequence of the High Elves abandoning them to save themselves.
This tells the origin story of one such Dark Elf.