Overall: A fun little story that functions very well as a joke (this is not an insult!). Jar's section is the setup and Amariel's section is the punchline. The weakness of the story is in the writing and structure. It's a tricky thing to define, since the clarity of the exposition is okay, but the writing style, use of punctuation, and sentence length make the flow feel a bit stiff. Amariel's section adds some fun novelty with her internal quips, but they feel out of place because Jar's section is "normal", and that section feels dryer in comparison.

Okay, so to prove my point and to hopefully help your future writing, I took Jar's section and split the whole story up, sentence by sentence. (A sentence is defined by at least one word which is ended with a period, ellipses, or question mark). There are 25 sentences in Jar's section. 11 are more than 20 words. This is actually a high density of *long* sentences. There's some consensus in contemporary writing that most sentences should be, at most, 15 words. Don't treat this like a law, just a guideline. Point is, in future writing, try to experiment with more sentence length. Use more kinds of punctuation - remember, the written word is a visual medium - variety is fun!

Here's an article about this. https://www.wyliecomm.com/2022/07/how-long-should-a-sentence-be/

There's also some punctuation issues with possessive apostrophes:

"When the computer came online, it would take over the ships controls and cut the engines"
- Should be "ship's"

"Icons representing Kellians fire appeared on the HUD as he proved his point"
- Should be "Kellian's"

"(camera’s can see it- damn its close)"
- Should be "cameras" and "it's"

Concepts & Originality: 4/5
- Fun stuff here, we've got a doomed heist and a bored gunner who's overqualified for her post. For them, it was the worst day of their lives. For her, it was Tuesday

Flow & Clarity: 2/5
- Explained in the above section. Note that Amariel's section felt better because her internal quips were shorter and felt more natural.

Adherence to Theme: 4/5
- Both Jar and Amariel were working with limited resources creatively. Jar had limited... everything, and Amariel's older turrets actually came in handy to bring down Jar's ship (note, I actually missed the significance of her older turret on my first read. Good job on making that her creative resource, but the issues with flow/clarity got in the way).

I really dig the vibe!  I see other commenter's talking about David Weber and it kind of makes me want to read Honor Harrington.

Love the characterization here. Both POV characters come across as delightfully cocky in different ways. The perspective shift threw me off a bit, but really fun read overall!

I enjoyed it! What could go wrong, indeed!

I did enjoy the blurbs of the gunner's interjecting thoughts, although the use of parentheses threw me slightly off, but that's neither here nor there. All in all, very fun read!

Great read! I absolutely love the perspective shift! With the size constraints it’s tough but I think you pulled it off well. Obviously would have loved to see that dynamic go on a bit more, but there is something there about how abrupt the chaos tone shifts back to calmness I enjoyed. It perfectly captures a car crash. It’s all noise and scary one second, and the next your just laying on the road (or at least that was my experience hahaha). 

I like where it's going. Space stuff is not my speed. I am more of a John Ringo fan. However David Webber I do read from time to time. I got the Webber vibe. Which is very cool.