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This is definitely a fun one, both in concept and execution! I very much enjoy "found journals" as a method of storytelling (points at DINOTOPIA books on my shelf) and this scratched that itch with a real tongue in cheek vibe.

Fun and well-written, a great combo!

I very much enjoyed this one! Very Lovecraftian, and frankly, there's not enough inquisition Lore that treats the forces of Havoc & Soulsnatchers, or the other weird entities of OPR this way.

Very good read!

Thank you so much,  my friend! These are great catches,  and definitely things I can look out for in the future!

I appreciate you!

Thank you so much, both for the praise and the solid critique! They're both very much appreciated!

I know it seems strange, but if you have any time, i would really appreciate if you be willing to point out some of the typos. I'm sure they're there,  I'm just not able to find them, and I'd appreciate the help!

Just finished reading this, and it was excellent! To the point, well written, conveying a great story with surprising depth! And yes, Blessed Sisters getting some more love is definitely a welcom thing, but honestly, with the quality of writing on display here, the faction is secondary to the quality.

I have literally no notes to give. Way to go!
Keep writing!

Legitimately my favorite story so far!

I love the description, the pacing, the characters.  Loved the ending,v and I loved the use of a FLIP-AND-BURN maneuver.  Great stuff!

Cheers, thank you Greenskin! Yeah, as much as the DAO are logical and driven by that, it still felt right to give them SOME SENSE of humor! 😁

Encroaching DYNASTY, but YES! Thank you so much!

Thank you! Yeah, I don't mind alien cultures in scifi, but I prefer them to be more relatable that gawk-worthy for their weirdness. It makes their characters easier to invest in. People are people, after all, alien or not.

Thank you so much! I appreciate the kind words!

I appreciate that! I actually hadn't even thought about 300 but that's a very fair comparison! Thank you!

Glad to offer some value!

And thank you for writing again!

I very much like the focus! A very good tale of hubris. Very much feels almost like a dark fantasy novel premise, and that's a good thing! Definitely agree that it could've used a few more editing passes, and some of the sentence and paragraph structure could've been reworked, but honestly, the bones on this ship are sound!
 Keep writing, my friend!
And well done!

I liked it! If I could make a recommendation, I think your sentences can be a bit redundant at times.
EX: "The creature in front of him, which happened to be a rat-like humanoid as well, nods satisfied."
You could probably have just said "The other rat-like humanoid nodded, satisfied." and it would've been just as clear and saved you some words. That's just one example, its definitely a pattern in your writing, but it's not too detracting. It just eats up a lot of words in such a small format, and sometimes it can slightly throw off the flow of what is otherwise a cool story.

Likewise,I feel like you could've given the captains death a little more focus. Maybe set the scene of the Rat-Captain reviewing his troops at the funeral for the prior one.

Other than that, I very much enjoyed the story. I very much appreciate a story in the vein of Frankenstien, but with the created being better people than the creator! Keep up the writing!

Just finished reading, and I wanted to offer some constructive criticism!
Before you read this, I want to emphasize that I think you should be proud of your writing, and I want you to keep at it and improve your work! You have a clearly creative mind with cool stories to tell, so keep telling them!

First off, I love the Axolotls, and it does my heart to see them getting more narrative love. It's a very good choice of faction and narrative focus! And you very clearly have an interesting idea and concept underpinning the story, and that's the first and most important battle in making a good tale! So great work there!

Most of my issues fall into the area of Story Structure, Editing, and Run-On Sentences. These really take a toll on your writing, but the good news is that all of these problems are easily addressable and can be overcome with just time and practice. Again, I highly encourage you to keep writing! You've got tales to tell, so keep at it, because they deserve to be told! Repetition will basically handle all of these!

Let's start with Story Structure: your premise is interesting, but because you have so much to convey (setting up the main character and the premise, introducing the ruins, Xochi's capture by the Axolotl, introducing the Vinci character, removing the Vinci character, Xochi's isolation, and then the climax and ending) and you had 1000 words or less to do it in, it felt unfortunately rushed. Short stories are tough because you have to choose between telling a smaller story with great detail, or a longer story with almost none, and finding that balance is really tough. I would've loved to see you focus on any one of those narrative beats and really hone in on the scene and the characters. The mystery of Xochi discovering the Ruins, or expanding the conversation she had with the Vinci while they were captive... either scene could've been a great short story all in itself! I would highly advise you hone in on really exploring singular cool moments like those for future short story submissions!

As for the Editing issues, there were numerous spelling and grammar errors, but they were all relatively easy to make and most were immediately caught by autocorrect. I'd advise you give yourself at least an hour or two to do a spelling/editing pass and correct any mistakes you find before you publish your next story. Maybe even ask a friend to give it a quick read so they can catch any spelling mistakes or awkward sentence structure. In timed submissions, there's almost always errors, but even a single editing pass goes a long way to addressing that!

Finally, the most poignant critique I have was the Run-On Sentences. Now, I'm fine with run-on sentences from time to time, especially if they are used as tools to convey emphasis or to highlight a specific moment. Heck, in dialogue, I think they're perfectly fine, as people often speak in run-on sentences. That said, you tend to use run on sentences often, including in scene setting, narrative descriptions, and backstory... and that can really detract from your work.

A each sentence is meant to have a focus: describe a thing, or convey an action, explain something to the audience, emphasize something etc. The way you wrote this story, your sentences often take the place of entire paragraphs: they have several focuses, often in sequence. Instead of putting a period between each focus and letting them breathe as stand-alone sentences with their own descriptions and flow, you use a comma and the word 'and' instead, which makes it harder to follow your meaning and leaves it feeling rushed. The biggest example for me is this sentence:

"Not much else is known by some of the frog mages, yet what little was known, was enough to send many frog mages in a frenzy appointing all their forces to seek the magic stones, all in the hopes of fulfilling long lost prophecies of the olden times."

That right there could have been 3 separate sentences with 3 separate focuses:
- What little they knew was enough to send the frog mages into a frenzy.
- The frog mages sent all their forces out to seek the magic stones.
- The frog mages hoped to fulfill prophecies of old.

Once you focus up your sentence structure, and let each idea breathe, I think your writing will dramatically improve!

I hope that what I posted doesn't come off too harsh, as I want to offer constructive critique, not cast stones at a fellow creative. So, I'm going to finish this off by again reiterating what I think is my most important point:
I think you have the potential to be an excellent writer.
You clearly have the imagination for it and you have stories well worth telling!
You should be proud of your work, because it's worth being proud of!
All you need is more practice, so...
KEEP.
WRITING.

And if you still worry that Im hating on this, lemme be clear:
I don't write essay long analyses of stories I hate. <3

I hope I get to see you in the next writing jam, my friend!
Until then-
ME'KAH
ME'KAH
ME'KAH

STORY DESCRIPTION:
The DAO Union & Eternal Dynasty have been uneasy neighbors for years. Now, after Clan Xhao has launched a surprise attack on a mostly unarmed DAO Union Research Station located in neutral space, Security Coordinator Ni'lak must find a way to protect the civilian researchers in his care, or see them turn into the first casualties of a bloody war.

That's an excellent question, and thank you for the comment!

The Knights Numenarie did know the renegade machines were inside the Vault, they just didn't understand why the Robots wanted to unleash them, considering the machines are clearly hostile towards everything. So it was a question of them not understanding the motivations of their opposed force as opposed to not knowing what lay within the Vault.
Hopefully that makes sense?

Hell yeah,  nothing like subverting expectations with red herrings! Let's goooo!

Thank you for the compliment,  it's very much appreciated!

thank you so much,  Ape!!

Thank you Buggritt!that is high praise indeed!!

Thank you,  Toast! I definitely wouldn't mind getting to redo this story in a longer format where i can make the transitions clearer,  but I'm honestly just glad it was a clear as it was!

A good learning experience!

Thank you, so much!!!

Honestly, I really liked this.
I normally am not a huge fan of 1st person perspective, and there were a few minor grammatical issues here and there... but damn if I dont love me some complex situations and a great twist.

Seriously, I love the ending, and frankly, I think it speaks to what makes OPR's Grimdark Future setting so good: the people in this setting, whether they be robot, or alien hive or jackal or dwarf or human are people. Peace isnt impossible in Grimdark Future, just improbable. And this does such a good job of highlighting that.
Well done.

Thank you!

I love playing around with the transhuman angle, but yeah, I didn't want to just make a bunch of gruff,  xenophobic, sociopathic fascists. It's actually why I like GRIMDARK FUTURE'S Brothers: they are PEOPLE.  And that's fun to write and I think it gives us a lot of latitude to write something new!

And I'm glad I made something you enjoyed!

Thank you Felicity! I am to please,  and I love my Knights Numenarie and their crystallization process.

1- I see what you did there.

2- Aww thank you! I'm actually looking forwards to adapting my Knights Numenarie chapter as Prime Brothers (and my Arachnia Astra as Havoc Brothers) in future writing contests! And I think the Robot Legions are just so cool.

I'm glad i could do than some justice!

Thanks for the high praise, Grizlibier! Its much appreciated and Im glad Ive managed to shake off most of my short story writing rust!
Cheers!

Aww, thank you! You dont know how much that made me grin!

Thanks, Coombsy! I appreciate that! And yeah, making the conversational tone flow naturally while keeping it clear was a struggle for me, since so many clarifiers Id normally put in had to be weighed against the scene descriptors for the shorter runtime, and cutting them felt ROUGH. I did what I could, especially in the end with Joachim & Anterron curtly referencing each other in each exchange, but I know there were some parts, especially with each talking to their lieutenants that was tougher to catch.

Thank you for your constructive feedback, and for the compliments! This has been a blast, the community has been so welcoming and I cant wait to join the next Writing Jam with you all!

LOL It does, in truth. It at least very much sounds like something a space ork would say

Cheers! Honestly, I struggle to find anything to really offer in terms of constructive critique. The Theme was maybe not as strongly emphasized as other entries, but I dont really think that's a thing. Seriously, cheers!

Solid story with writing that had me fully invested. Absolutely would read more. Genuinely great writing!

I really enjoy this story. The birth of the ratfolk is a very cool subject, and it was cool to see it here!

Genuinely loved this.
Not a wasted word, and the narrative was clean, efficient, evocative, and well worded.
I have no critique save that it was great and I definitely look forwards to your next Wordjam submission!

I think you did a pretty good job! I very much enjoyed the ending, and I liked the idea of her thinking back to her earlier life in a "how did we end up here" kinda vibe. My single piece of critique (besides maybe being a little too heavy-handed with some descriptions, which I think Buggritt covered pretty well and dont need to belabor it any further) I would say you didn't need to emphasize that we were reading a flashback as much as you did. Leading with a statement saying how she remembered/was thinking back on her past, and then one letting us know that she was turning her attention back to the present is probably all it would take, and it would prevent too much repetition of the same words and concepts.

That said, you did solid, Victor. Keep on keeping on, and I look forwards to reading your submissions in future Jams!

A solid read! I dont see much Space Elves literature, and with their recent release, I look forwards to reading more. I very much enjoyed the story, and the characterization of the elves. Too often I think Elves are written in the Tolkien style (which is great, dont get me wrong), where every single elf moves with unearthly grace and looks down their nose at everything.
 Its refreshing to see you choose to write them as people, and I dig that. Pacing was solid, characterization was good, and you did a good enough job setting the scene that even a newbie to the faction could follow along. Good stuff!

You crushed the title, Greenskin. And the flow of the story was excellent. The ending felt a tad on the nose, but otherwise I dig it. Plus, good to see the grudge lives on.

Poetic prose was not what I expected today, but a welcome surprise! Also, as the friend of an collegiate scholar of Arthurian lore, I liked the little Gawain reference in there. Your originality knocked it out of the park, writer. Well done!

Solid read. Diction was clear and the concept well communicated. Well done.

The introduction paragraph was a little dense with the descriptions slowing it down a tad, and the final paragraph was a little on the nose... but I liked it, and you really had me arrested there! Well done!