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OPR Writing Jam #5 - Bells's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concept & Originality | #28 | 3.556 | 3.556 |
| Adherence to the Theme | #34 | 2.611 | 2.611 |
| Overall | #35 | 2.815 | 2.815 |
| Flow & Clarity | #36 | 2.278 | 2.278 |
Ranked from 18 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
Definitely a very poetic work of prose. This work was not in my preferred style of writing or storytelling, fyi, so take my comments for whatever you wish them to be worth.
I felt very uncertain, as I did not know who the speaker was, or why she was observing the (meteorite impact?) She dwells upon her cowardice, but I don't know why she thinks she's a coward, or why she might need or wish to be brave.
The narration is very detached and impersonal, even before the speaker is injured. This put a distance between her and me, and makes her seem very detached from herself - especially when she's berating herself for cowardice.
The use of 'the eye' as the final narrator is even more impersonal and alien. It served, I think, to highlight for me how the speaker has at that point passed or is passing beyond being human, in a meaningful sense, but the final paragraphs make it seem as though her death is a form of enlightenment.
On a more prosaic note, it wasn't clear what the 'unconventional weapon' even was, let alone how it figured in the narrative. Was the impact that destroys the horrible building an intentional act? If that was the intent, considering this was written for a themed jam, it might have been worthwhile sacrificing some of the poetic flow of the piece in the name of making that fact more prominent.
I too am more fond of direct prose, gritty and to-the-point action, but here we are - me writing quite a poetic story. I never liked poetry itself, I am more of a prose guy. But it seems I can inject some of the former into the latter, it's been a while since I wrote something (I do not even remember when, perhaps some 8 years ago in an online Play-by-forum RPG session).
The whole concept suffers a bit from under-development - it lacks some bits upfront and also some bits near the end, to better explain the whole idea and give meaning to the individual actions and to the protagonist and her background. As I said in my reply to "Chimeric Creations" below, I would need to leave the story rest for a while and have another look later, especially if it is not as straightforward as other stories I read here (many of them perfect, btw!).
To spoil: the protagonist Tarlan, one of the daughters of an Eternal Dynasty's Sage, is part of a (losing) battle of a larger ED group against the Robot Legions. Previously her father was killed in that same battle (reference to her "old man at the fire" and then next to the "dead old man next to the transport drone") and she battles the feelings of cowardice, that she was not there to fight alongside him. But when she encounters a distant RL Monolith closing in, some inner sense brings the distant meteor (later meteorite, when it descends through the atmosphere) to her attention and she instantly knows THAT is how ED can deal with the Monolith as one of the remaining RL units. Admittedly, I did not talk about whether she guides it herself to the target (which would be the most logical way, given the premise of "Unconventional weapon" for this Jam) or not. This is also why she has to be so close to the impact. And even if she thought of being a coward before, after realising that she can turn the tide that her father could not, she relaxes inside and submits to the flow of events. She then reminisces about things from her past life, while slowly being killed due to the blast and herself being hurled through the forest.
Reading all I just wrote in the previous paragraph now clearly shows that more explanations and hints would be required to fully appreciate the initial story seed. Because what I have in mind is not necessarily what the reader gets form the written sentences :)
I decided to expand upon this into a longer (but still short) story, perhaps adding a page or two.
Do warriors dream of electric robots?
threw me off a bit, but the story its self was very poetic and enjoyable
That was a hint towards the protagonist thinking about the enemy during her last moments of life :)
This one is an interesting read indeed! There’s a lot going on here to dissect - two themes I immediately noticed:
Both of these themes encouraged me to read through again to understand how they connected to the overall narrative you constructed
Your writing style is distinct, which provided a sense of poetry while reading. I believe I was able to follow the overall story being told. In portions, I think it also made the narrative a bit tougher to read at times with dense sentence structure, some run-on sentences, and unconventional formatting. I think you can maintain this unique writing style while improving readability.
--Minor Spoilers for Story--
I am unsure of the unconventional weapon. Is it the meteorite strike? Destroying a waste plant to affect the surrounding area? The unconventional weapon seemed to be a vehicle to write about the protagonist’s experience. It was a great read, but it seemed like a means to an end instead of core to the story. I actually think this would have been a great submission for the last writing jam, "Reflections".
-- End Spoilers--
I enjoyed reading this story. Thank you for writing it for this jam!
Glad you liked it! And yes, you got the underlying tones just right :)
I agree that the whole text could still be improved, I would have to leave it in a drawer for a week or two to have a "fresh" look at it later and see if some passages, as you say, were harder to read than others.
Re: the story - I would like to leave the interpretations to the readers for now (until the ratings and comments are completed) and afterwards I can add my own view on that if you are interested! I intentionally did not include "obvious" answers to some details, I can explain later.
Also - have to read other posts still (so far managed to review and rate 9 of all the bunch) and yours is one of the next ones - looking forward to it!
Sounds like I need to read it again once or twice to help cement my interpretation of what I think happened! It was good work, one that I think I'll enjoy going back to in order to think through a bit more.
Nicely done - I enjoyed your prose and style!
Thx, glad you liked it!