Indie Legion #PitchYaPitch

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A jam submission

Treacherous JourneysView game page

Fantasy Themed Multiplayer Online Action RPG

Submitted by Dire Prism (@journeys_ARPG) — 1 day, 3 hours before the deadline

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Treacherous Journeys's itch.io page

Results

Criteria	Rank	Score*	Raw Score
Engagement	#20	2.714	2.714
Overall Pitch Quality	#23	2.786	2.786
Clarity	#26	2.643	2.643
Unique Selling Point	#28	2.500	2.500

Ranked from 14 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

Judge feedback

Judge feedback is anonymous and shown in a random order.

Game looks good -- Especially for early development stage! Key art is very retro D&D / Lord of the Rings.. We likey! Suggestions: -- Rewrite the tweet to address both of your key target audiences: US and Europeans. (Americans probably won't react as well to the ultra dry humor style as Europeans.) -- Flesh out the details to include specifics of your world. There's not much beyond generic information and it would be great to hear about some of the lore, characters, places and heroes / villains. -- Great start to the Press Kit. You can expand on the world detail as per above, make the screenshots larger (add in more slides). -- Try to hone in on a Unique Selling Proposition: What is really unique and interesting about your game that distinguishes it from others in that category?
Your Press kit has 9 screen shots and it would be better if you had fewer, made them bigger and explained what you are presenting
Explain a bit more specifically what you do in the game, instead of linking to YT, embed the video into your tweet.
It's not your usual trailer so that was unexpected! When it comes to the combat, I am already concerned for balancing issues which is totally irrational of me. But I do think some subtitles of sorts would have made it more graceful than just a run-of-the-mill walkthrough video on YT.
Feedback submitted as Indie Legion.

PitchYaPitch Tweet
https://twitter.com/journeys_ARPG/status/1452418432822091776

Press Kit Link (DevLog Update)
https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1hwqVleJy-270Z29HfSiKEgCiHTpBUeXWWEIwlTtM3ic/edit?usp=sharing

Itch.io Game URL (DevLog Update)
https://treacherousjourneys.itch.io/treacherous-journeys

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Comments

MagusEdge3 years ago(+1)

Key visuals look awesome, especially if they will improve as the game develops. A video of combat would go a long way to entice players. The tweet didn't give me any idea what to expect from the game itself, so I'd work in one or two of your core hooks. Thank you for sharing!

Realms GamesJam HostSubmitted3 years ago

Feedback submitted as Indie Legion.

Submitted

Puzzling Realms

INDIE LEGIONJam Host3 years ago(+2)

Game looks good -- Especially for early development stage!

Key art is very retro D&D / Lord of the Rings.. We likey!

Suggestions:

-- Rewrite the tweet to address both of your key target audiences: US and Europeans. (Americans probably won't react as well to the ultra dry humor style as Europeans.)

-- Flesh out the details to include specifics of your world. There's not much beyond generic information and it would be great to hear about some of the lore, characters, places and heroes / villains.

-- Great start to the Press Kit. You can expand on the world detail as per above, make the screenshots larger (add in more slides).

-- Try to hone in on a Unique Selling Proposition: What is really unique and interesting about your game that distinguishes it from others in that category?

Noisy Head GamesJam Judge3 years ago(+1)

Your press kit is pretty good! The text is engaging and I get a good feel for what you are building. I don't like the style of the tweet unfortunately - it's very negative and doesn't make me want to engage, which is a shame because the content of the press kit is really engaging and interesting.

Try giving your press kit more personality throughout by adding more art through all the slides - see this chucklefish one as an example: https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/18VijoCAzJiQwA4UUks9qVA_TPXRjL78aoywE9rdL...

Don't link to youtube videos in tweets by the way, upload the video instead. YT vids don't autoplay on Twitter so you don't get that scroll through engagement.

Your key art is awesome by the way :)

Zwinzler GamesSubmitted3 years ago(+1)

Really cool game idea, and I like the way the gameplay looks in the trailer. Your itch page is also really nice and descriptive.

I don't mind the sarcastic pitch in the tweet, but I don't think it grabs attention as well as something else might. You could maybe try using something about how adventuring is no longer heroic, but rather just a looked-down upon way of life? Or something like that.

Also, it would be nice to have some music in the trailer to go along with the sound effects. I think that would really help your trailer be even better.

Submitted

When The River Runs Dry Early Release

gaming chefHost3 years ago(+1)

Your Itchio Page is really good I would probably just upload the video to twitter next time so that you can grab someone's attention while they are scrolling

kro13Submitted3 years ago(+1)

Google docs for presskit is ok, but I'd really recommend smth more neat. Check out this tool for example https://feepresskit.com. You can use a simple and free hosting, as github pages, for example.
Not sure I got the message of the tweet: not sure i'd like to waste my time and effort)

Submitted

Kanyon Karver Pitch

PiecakeJam JudgeSubmitted3 years ago(+1)

Video is really good! The pitch text doesn't really sell it to me? I guess it's supposed to be clever, but, it doesn't click with me and just comes off as bashing the game. Cool game though!

Submitted

Realm of Divinos - Pitch Ya Pitch

Dire PrismDeveloper3 years ago(+1)

Thanks - and you're absolutely right about the pitch.
It's an attitude you will meet in the game (where you're playing as an adventurer of course) among a lot of NPCs in the early game.
I'm still trying to find a way to make it work - kinda playing with the idea of starting off the video with some speech or text along those lines, as spoken by an NPC, and then clipping to where the player proves them wrong by showing their worth.
I just find it hard to make it short enough.

PiecakeJam JudgeSubmitted3 years ago

Oh that's a neat idea!

PiecakeJam JudgeSubmitted3 years ago

Oh I have an idea, what if instead of talking about how the NPC's feel about the hero's journey, talk about how the characters feel. They feel challenged but they will prove the people wrong and become great. Something along that lines maybe?

LinaJam JudgeSubmitted3 years ago(+1)

I liked it! Very reversed psychology. But it doesn't tell anything about the game

Submitted

DeadeGuard98Jam Judge3 years ago(+1)

+ Quaint little title!
+ Combat is spammy but fun... :)

- Pitch was sarcastic, which I'm all for but the overall effect was lost.
- Sound effects are probably just placeholders. If so, then I am overreacting.

Dire PrismDeveloper3 years ago(+1)

Thanks for the comments. Do any sound effects in particular irritate you or is it in general?

ozbayemrahJam JudgeSubmitted3 years ago(+1)

Good work but no call action

Submitted

Dire PrismDeveloper3 years ago(+1)

Thanks for the comments. Yeah you're right - got too caught up in getting the demo patch ready and trying to learn how to clip videos to think too much about what I'm actually trying to pitch.

ozbayemrahJam JudgeSubmitted3 years ago

Good work but no call action

Submitted