I really enjoyed the psychological horror direction you took with this! Especially in the ways you conveyed it subtly through distinctive descriptions (ie. The smell of the rabbit’s den, his bulging eyes, etc.) before building up to more literally terrifying events. Considering the fact that this is a public domain work, I also thought the meta approach you took with Adelaide vs. Alice was a clever way of adding to the horror elements by breaking the 4th wall.
Since this game involves continuing the story by clicking words at the end of sentences, I would suggest informing the player with some sense of continuity by ensuing every clickable word is significant to the following line or the story at large. For example, in the beginning, some of these words are “bloody”, “in London”, “a butterfly” which are enticing to click on. But later on, some of the clickable words are “long stride”, “pleases” or “from there” which are less descriptive of the possibilities to follow.
You have developed such an exciting world, and I can’t wait to see how you decide to conclude the game!
You have a really strong sense of place here and a really consistent, dark tone throughout. The characters also have distinct voices, though Alice feels more generic (not necessarily a bad thing, very common in choice adventures). One of the things I was expecting more of was expressive choice that either varied significantly or had impacts on conversations at hand — right now, the different options don't feel particularly distinct from each other. This doesn't hold back your game too much, because the core experience centers around reading your prose, not around pursuing a distinct playstyle. But to make the choices more engaging, I would suggest introducing more variety, even when the choices are primarily expressive.
Your descriptions of setting and character are spectacular. Very vivid, and it does wonders for your storytelling. It makes me wish I could see for myself what you've conjured up with words. I love the Butterfly's attitude! I very much look forward to seeing this story develop more!
eerie dark fantasy described vividly. I wish I have your ability to write like this. I had images of how it actually looks while playing it! The characters also set up the tone pretty well. If anything, a bit more expressive/fake/weak narrative choices could make it more engaging.
Like I said last week, you've done a wonderful job of hitting the mark on the tone you're going for, and the annoyance/pessimism of the characters contrasts well with the whimsy of your setting. You set up an intriguing wonderland (literally) that I want to spend more time in! Again, (I assume since you're going to continue working on it) I think adding a couple more expressive choices will help it feel more interactive, and give Adelaide a bigger role in the story.
I like this kind of mood of a story. Dark, surreal and crazy. The wording here is really well thought out and I felt horrified and crazy reading this especially when you are really putting yourself as the main protagonist. I felt like this Wonderland aspect of it was happening inside her head and she wasn't understanding either aspect made especially more interesting. I think more options would be nice, but I really liked the direction of the story.
i aboslutely love it,,,everytime i play it, i always get immersed wonderfully. it makes me wish for more! i understand, though-a lot of work really went into this! Some of the choices can feel samey, but the tone is different. this really sets up how the character acts in my head. Good work!! I think a lot of my old comments still apply, tbh wonderful job! hope ur enjoying hyrule warriors age of calamity :]
I love it!! You do a fantastic job of setting the scene -- both the large-scale setting and the immediate physical reality of the character. Your description of the beach, the water, and the pebbles were particularly memorable. I also liked that you made regular references to the POV character's clothing and such; it helped me visualize her appearance and put myself in her shoes. The canoe-dodo transformation confused me a little. Why do I think the dodo is a canoe? Is it hollowed out like a canoe? Was I hallucinating? It might make that section smoother if you specify that -- even though the whole story is pretty fantastical, it always feels coherent, besides that one spot. Most of the other rough patches I'm inclined to point out are sections that you specifically mentioned will be cleaner in the final version. I'd love to play this when it's finished!!
Comments
Hey Sarah!
I really enjoyed the psychological horror direction you took with this! Especially in the ways you conveyed it subtly through distinctive descriptions (ie. The smell of the rabbit’s den, his bulging eyes, etc.) before building up to more literally terrifying events. Considering the fact that this is a public domain work, I also thought the meta approach you took with Adelaide vs. Alice was a clever way of adding to the horror elements by breaking the 4th wall.
Since this game involves continuing the story by clicking words at the end of sentences, I would suggest informing the player with some sense of continuity by ensuing every clickable word is significant to the following line or the story at large. For example, in the beginning, some of these words are “bloody”, “in London”, “a butterfly” which are enticing to click on. But later on, some of the clickable words are “long stride”, “pleases” or “from there” which are less descriptive of the possibilities to follow.
You have developed such an exciting world, and I can’t wait to see how you decide to conclude the game!
-Jude
hi sarah!
You have a really strong sense of place here and a really consistent, dark tone throughout. The characters also have distinct voices, though Alice feels more generic (not necessarily a bad thing, very common in choice adventures). One of the things I was expecting more of was expressive choice that either varied significantly or had impacts on conversations at hand — right now, the different options don't feel particularly distinct from each other. This doesn't hold back your game too much, because the core experience centers around reading your prose, not around pursuing a distinct playstyle. But to make the choices more engaging, I would suggest introducing more variety, even when the choices are primarily expressive.
-jess
Your descriptions of setting and character are spectacular. Very vivid, and it does wonders for your storytelling. It makes me wish I could see for myself what you've conjured up with words. I love the Butterfly's attitude! I very much look forward to seeing this story develop more!
eerie dark fantasy described vividly. I wish I have your ability to write like this. I had images of how it actually looks while playing it! The characters also set up the tone pretty well. If anything, a bit more expressive/fake/weak narrative choices could make it more engaging.
Like I said last week, you've done a wonderful job of hitting the mark on the tone you're going for, and the annoyance/pessimism of the characters contrasts well with the whimsy of your setting. You set up an intriguing wonderland (literally) that I want to spend more time in! Again, (I assume since you're going to continue working on it) I think adding a couple more expressive choices will help it feel more interactive, and give Adelaide a bigger role in the story.
I like this kind of mood of a story. Dark, surreal and crazy. The wording here is really well thought out and I felt horrified and crazy reading this especially when you are really putting yourself as the main protagonist. I felt like this Wonderland aspect of it was happening inside her head and she wasn't understanding either aspect made especially more interesting. I think more options would be nice, but I really liked the direction of the story.
i aboslutely love it,,,everytime i play it, i always get immersed wonderfully. it makes me wish for more! i understand, though-a lot of work really went into this!
Some of the choices can feel samey, but the tone is different. this really sets up how the character acts in my head. Good work!! I think a lot of my old comments still apply, tbh
wonderful job! hope ur enjoying hyrule warriors age of calamity :]
I love it!! You do a fantastic job of setting the scene -- both the large-scale setting and the immediate physical reality of the character. Your description of the beach, the water, and the pebbles were particularly memorable. I also liked that you made regular references to the POV character's clothing and such; it helped me visualize her appearance and put myself in her shoes. The canoe-dodo transformation confused me a little. Why do I think the dodo is a canoe? Is it hollowed out like a canoe? Was I hallucinating? It might make that section smoother if you specify that -- even though the whole story is pretty fantastical, it always feels coherent, besides that one spot. Most of the other rough patches I'm inclined to point out are sections that you specifically mentioned will be cleaner in the final version. I'd love to play this when it's finished!!