This was wonderful, the tell of the machine not having a mind to prob was a good addition and with the protagonist brushing it off it was easy to do the same. the good it was a well paced and enjoyable ride.
Your characters seemed grounded and made ease. You captured the grim dark very well.
The constructive thought
This definitely walked a line as far as adhering to theme. But that is it. I thinks the rest was very good and despite the subversion I think it overall was worth it for the plot.
This was a wonderful read. I find the stories that let us see the world of a single character to be much more investing and interesting then one that turn the single person(or thing) into a statistic.
The good this was a heart felt story that showed a lot of heritage and built a lot of lore with very little. Honestly I think that is the highest compliment I can give you.
The only thing I would add as a consideration, and it might be just me, but I wasn’t sure that it was another guild(as I saw in the comments) I thought it was the battle brothers. At first I thought it was the orcs. So I was not clear on who the old enemies now ally's were.
Honestly thou I think that the story works no matter who you think the ally is(and again it could just be me)
This was a fun idea, I love the idea of mechanical logic trying to understand mortal concepts. I think ur story’s strongest point is also its biggest detraction.
The talking between the unit and the dwarf was chefs kiss good. And it made all the formatting you did to make it a log, sad.
Not because it was bad but because there was only 1000 words and each word you spend on selling the visual was precious words you could have used to let them communicate more. That communication was your best part.
This felt like a very good set up to much larger story, and in that story, I think that the themes of unlikely allies would likely have been at the forefront.
Having the grandiose schemes and machinations of the star host are great plot point for mortal to have a perspective on and I think there’s a lot there to work with.
I think that there’s a lot to be said about creating a gritty, realistic scene of war, that depicts violence, and a very human way.
The stuff I think could use your focus
I think the first and largest problem with the story is that the theme of unlikely allies is to be told in the next story, but it is not in this story
It may be just me, but having no description of the old one, or the faithful made it jarring to try to place in my mind what it was that was happening, whether it was symbolic and metaphor or literal.
This was fun, I wish we had less of the fight with Arrow and then been able to get more of the Gecko and Arrow. The idea of the Saurains being a wise old race is something I cling to so seeing that they were able to identify this weakness in the HDF and then converting the oppressed is a good plot for these two races.
The tense gets me if I am honeet I have some dyslexia and a sprinkling of adhd and I just dident have as much time as I would have liked. I turned it into an audio drama that is live on TikTok and premiers on YouTube tomorrow lmao.
thank you for taking time to comment. that is a super helpful thing to point out. Thank you. It was made in a rush but I didn’t notice(obviously ) that I had done that.
This was very good. The little moments inside a huge chaotic world Carey so much more weight then a massive battle could. This was a treat. Thank you and best of luck.
Thank you for participating in the jam. If I had a compliment it would be that conceptually this is a fascinating idea, undead possessed Wardens getting back up after a deal is struck if I had a criticism it would be that I am not 1000% sure that is what happened. I think that is what happened but in honesty I am not sure.
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. It was designed to be an opposite in almost every way conversation. With the Orcs communications leaning into the more absurd and the Starhost being wildly amused. this is the first of these jams I have ever done and in total transparency this ended up being a very busy weekend and I didn’t realize how much I was going to need to do to get a passable story board.
Still thou thank you for the consideration especially considering it’s not ur type of content, it takes substantial more effort to have something to say when that is the situation.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I had a design to make with how I wanted the Orc to be. Whether lean into the silly English adjacent talking style and quote them or type their words correctly and try and imply there unusual talking method. It was and is an easy choice for me thou, I needed them to be shown as they are(in my head cannon) with all the silly and unusual talking methods on full display. I did hope to show that there intelligence is not based on there talking patterns thou.
Kururu being like Oogway(I think that is how it’s spelled) tickles me as a thought. I imagine that the older frog mages would be very strange to observe and would be in stark ck contrast to there Star Host kin.
Thank ou for taking time out to comment. I don’t know how to take the Sgt Frog fanfic part. In my head cannon, the Frog mages and the elder mages would be tremendously powerful and kinda like in eastern Mythos the Omni powerful god like beings act in a very happy kid way. similar to how the little blue guy acts in dragon ball super.
like this is all just interesting stuff to interact with, like toys almost.
This was fun. Thank you for participating. I had some trouble following what the goblin plans actually were, but with a little re-reading and it came to me.
