Play book
You ask me why?'s itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Adherence to the Theme | #25 | 3.250 | 3.250 |
| Flow & Clarity | #28 | 2.857 | 2.857 |
| Overall | #31 | 3.119 | 3.119 |
| Concept & Originality | #32 | 3.250 | 3.250 |
Ranked from 28 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
A very interesting portrayal of the mentality that would drive a man to act against those he truly wants to protect mixed in with a healthy about of well executed world building. I found myself genuinely interested with the character by the end.
Live it.
good story, I liked where he was explaining his betrayal was caused by he, himself being betrayed
interested where the traitor marine/battle brother will go from here....
So I really like that you're creating your own setting and lore, and I appreciate that this is a continuation of the worldbuilding you did in "Protect the Child". It was a good reflection as well, evoking Deltus Judas' past as well as his hopes for the future. However, considering that the main thrust of the narrative was and is Judas' relationship with Elizabeth and Cassandra, the nature of that relationship was unclear. It seems both as though he captured them in the most recent battle, but also that he has a long-term relationship with them. I'm sure you understand exactly what's going on, but you need to make sure those details are on the page somehow if they're going to be important. I hope you'll continue exploring and expanding your setting for all of us to enjoy!
Yeah I'm planning on doing expanded prequels to both this story and my first one later on. I also need to work on my drawing skills so I can post art of the characters.
That would be very cool. I hope to get a chance to read those prequels when you finish them!
Great details. The only thing I'd say is to break up the long paragraphs a little.
I'd love to read a longer story on this theme! The plight of the captain, and the stresses that led to his defection and betrayal, is an interesting theme. It's a pity you could only scratch the surface here!
Some technical issues detracted from the clarity of the piece, though: missing punctuation and over-long sentences disrupted the flow and took me out of the story. The inconsistent use of italics, too, was a bit distracting, as I tried to understand the pattern there.
But as I said, the core of the story itself contains a powerful theme. The captain's story, I'm sure, is a complex one!
Yeah I'm still a bit of an amateur. So I'll have to look into a proofreader for my stuff (maybe I should pay for a Grammarly subscription). I honestly could not figure out how to separate the third person viewpoint from the captain's first person viewpoint. Sorry about the confusing moments. It's hard to make a complex story in under 1,000 words, but I am planning on extending the story to the events leading up to the monologue, just like what I plan to do with my first story.
You did great, really! The story was intriguing. A proofreader is a good idea, even just having a trusted friend read it over (but make sure they know you aren't looking for just a pat on the back, or that's often all a friend will give you!). I'm still an amateur too, but everything we write makes us better!
Would have loved to see the work in "Justified" columns. Best line:
Elizabeth, oh Elizabeth, I remember when you, your mother, and your little sister came to my world along with your refugees and the Order that you would soon be inducted into
Yeah this is kind of a sequel to my first story for OPR "Protect the Child at all Costs". So this is the same Elizabeth from that story all grown up (well, she's 18 at this time, a Battle Sister Novice). Glad you liked it!
I really liked the stuff in the rant. Nice work!
The story read like a diary entry, which I really enjoyed.
A clean, concise tale of a man reflecting on decisions which set the stage of strife and conflict. The plot is straightforward and led to a good twist at the end. I enjoyed reading it!