Since you asked for stuff to improve on in the Discord, the only thing I really have for you is to pay attention to your usage of dialogue tags/speaker attributions.
As a note, all the suggestions in this comment are meant as examples how to get dialogue in line with how dialogue tags work. Like Buggritt pointed out in another comment, feedback for stories isn't supposed to be about changing what was written for the sake of it, but since dialogue tags are a technical aspect of writing, examples can be helpful.
Also just to clarify, dialogue tags are basically the part that connects speech to speaker, and that's about all it's supposed to do. As examples:
#"Such a nice house you have there," he said. The 'he said' is the dialogue tag or speaker attribution.
There are also beats, or dialogue beats, to use an action to indicate who is talking.
#"Such a nice house you have there." Thomas lit his cigar. "A shame we have to burn it all."
'Thomas lit his cigar.' is the beat. If you have to make it clear who is talking but you feel like you've used "he/she said" too often, you use a beat. Bonus points if th action you're using for the beat helps characterize the speaker.
In your short, you have tags like:
#"Private Jonan," Ferrin breathed in,
#"Said he saw somethin'," he sucked his lip,
The dialogue tag (if it's not "said") describes the character's speech, so what you're doing here (due to using a comma instead of a period) is basically saying that Ferrin breathed in while saying it. That Jonan sucked his lip while talking. Both of these are possible, but probably not what you meant? Especially talking while sucking your lip can be pretty awkward to actually do, and just making them beats works fine. (Maybe it's also perfectly doable to talk while sucking on your lip and having a cigar in your mouth and I'm just not built for it, also a possibility.)
#"Private Jonan." Ferrin took a breath in. The tip of his cigar glowed red. (Note: if you actually turned it into a beat, you'd probably just say something about him smoking.)
#"Said he saw somethin'." He sucked his lip.
You also sometimes use "Ferrin continued" or "he piped". Just be aware that "said" is very unobtrusive and such an integral part of writing/reading that most readers don't notice it, almost as if it's part of punctuation. Unless it's used every second line, using "said" is perfectly fine, and usually exempt from repetition and less obvious to the reader than using alternatives like "continued", "remarked" or "piped". "Asked" is the other unobtrusive tag that you just use for a question, and, depending on who you ask, "yelled" and "whispered" also count, just because they're very basic. There is an argument that an exclamation mark and the content of the dialogue should be enough to indicate yelling/someone being audibly outraged, but that's beyond this comment.
Back to your short we also have these two examples:
#"I see it in you," Jonan's voice was soft.
#"Do what you will," I flicked a hand.
These two just don't work, because none of these are speech related actions. The first example would work like this:
#"I see it in you." Jonan's voice was soft.
Sounds a bit weird, so maybe something like this:
#"I see it." Jonan's voice was soft. "I see it in you."
or maybe as a dialogue tag:
#"I see it in you," Jonan said softly.
It's not great writing, some people will argue, because using too many adverbs is often endemic of weak writing, but sometimes, especially in the constraint of a 1k short story, that can't be helped.
The second sentence would work better if turned into a beat and put in front of the dialogue.
#I flicked a hand. "Do what you will."
The dismissive gesture almost micro-foreshadows what his dialogue will mean, which is something neat that beats can sometimes do for you, like creating a tiny bit of buildup for a moment.
What you've already done really well was just skipping dialogue tags when it's not necessary. Readers are usually perfectly capable of following a two-way conversation across paragraphs if occasionally reminded by beats or a dialogue tag, and you did a good job of judging when you can just not have a tag at all.
I'll be honest with you. Did any of the examples I listed here cost you rating in the writing jam? I doubt it. Will following any of the advice I gave here improve your rating for the next time? Again, unlikely. This is very technical stuff a lot of people don't notice or care about, especially in a 1k short story submission to a writing jam, but if you want to improve your writing then this is an easy place to start because it's learnable, unlike some other things that are part of writing.
In terms of your story's ratings, Flow & Clarity was your weakest point according to the stats. In my opinion, both were very good. The only reason why I can see you losing points here would be that parts of the story are vague. I know that's by design, and there are enough hints that give you a good idea what's going on, but vagueness, even by design, sometimes doesn't sell well.
There were also a couple of instances where a comma should've been a period which made me trip up reading once or twice, and some paragraphs that should've been joined, but that's very minor stuff.
In general, I liked how we were introduced to the fact that something was wrong or would be wrong with the point of view character. From the very first line mentioning his eyes we knew something wasn't quite right with him, and I was questioning throughout how much our general actually knew/to what degree he was a willing participant of his situation or not, or if the situation would "wake him" somehow or infect him otherwise. It was a good read, and a short I could easily see as a little snippet in an army book for example.
Good job, and I'm looking forward to your story in the next writing jam!