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A jam submission

No Beating a Concussive Retort - OPR Writing Jam #7 SubmissionView project page

Prospector-Baron Hearn has a story to tell regarding one of his trophies...
Submitted by Enzo — 14 hours, 33 minutes before the deadline
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No Beating a Concussive Retort - OPR Writing Jam #7 Submission's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Concept & Originality#44.3004.300
Overall#83.8673.867
Flow & Clarity#103.7503.750
Adherence to the Theme#153.5503.550

Ranked from 20 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Developer

Thanks to everyone who read and rated my submission! I wrote up a quick blog post going over my thoughts and reflecting on the whole process. https://blog.enzofortuna.com/opr-writing-jam-7-a-postmordem/

Submitted

Good job on adhering to the theme!

This was a fun story about a fun character, and we got a lot of information about all the main players, even though some didn’t do anything at all.

This story did a lot of showing instead of telling, which is ironic, considering the entire story is somebody telling someone else stuff.

Submitted

That was delightful! I love the idea of a change daemon getting taken down by a couple of good ol' boys willing to hunker down and get to work.

Submitted

That was a lovely and frightening story. I wasn't sure who to be scared of, the weird bird demon change magic guys, the oppressively silent inquisition or the baron with his ability to casually deploy armies of titans. Overall I would have liked a little more clarity on the relationship between the inquisition and the other factions. Like what kind of assurance was the inquisition looking for? Definitely a very intriguing story though.

Submitted

Loved this guy. Yet the real...menace... in this story was how the Inquisitor (or perhaps agent thereof) is silent in the interrogation. That silence spoke volumes. I was expecting the other shoe to drop, and while it hasn't 'on-screen' it still had me wondering what comes next for the main character in this. Still, how much wealth/influence did this guy have to field so many freaking Titans to crush a Change Demons of Havoc horde like that?

Submitted

I liked the way you used your framing device. Having only one voice on the transcript seemed odd at first, but it really let the character's personality come through well. You struck a beautiful balance between telling the story clearly and keeping strictly to the speaker's voice - well done there. I think you might have done a better job of addressing the theme, though: the contrast here is between strength and cleverness, or cunning, or perhaps naive hubris, but not *intelligence*. In any case, this was an enjoyable read.

Submitted

“there’s no wizarding away from my Titan.“ is a good line for a T-shirt. Very nicely done characterization.

Submitted

Great narration, I always love stories that're told like a document. I agree with Flaekingr's assessment. You've got skills, I hope to see your work next jam.

Submitted

I enjoyed this one a lot - it flowed really well and you did a fantastic job with the small details and names to flesh out your setting. The narrator's voice was my favorite part; it was entertaining and engaging and revealed a lot about the character.

Submitted

So, it was an entertaining read and the character was very well done. 

I couldn't really follow what exactly happened and what an inquisitor was doing there. I also don't really follow how it was strength VS intelligence. 

But yeah, I really enjoyed it nonetheless

Submitted

Excellent story - I've never seen the idea of knight-foremen before. The way you used quotation marks made it a little tricky to follow who was talking, though - towards the beginning, I thought the foreman and the inquisitor were exchanging dialogue.