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A jam submission

Strenght vs Inteligenz - Orks vs Battle BrothersView project page

Short story for the writing jam from OPR
Submitted by TeufloV — 1 day, 5 hours before the deadline
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Strenght vs Inteligenz - Orks vs Battle Brothers's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Adherence to the Theme#93.8994.000
Flow & Clarity#322.6162.684
Concept & Originality#341.6931.737
Overall#342.7362.807

Ranked from 19 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted

The theme is very direct, which I appreciate as sometimes subtext goes over my head, but it might even be a little too direct. There is a lot here that is good and could be expanded upon, but the language could be changed to make a more effective narrative.

Submitted

I think you've got a lot of feedback here giving you plenty to take forward.  First point, nice work in keeping things clear concise.  I think when looking for your next project look for repeated words - for example the first sentence has the word 'battle' twice as well as battle field, then again in the next sentence.  If you use a word like that, try to not use it again for another two or three sentences.  I think that the other thing that stood out to me is that you use the passive voice/form a lot, when thing are happening, e.g. 'The Orks charged', 'stood their groud', 'opened fire'.  If you were to change those to being active - 'The Orks charging', 'standing their groud', 'opening fire' - it becomes more engaging and raises the stakes of the encounter.  It shifts the perspective of you narrating the event, to us being there seeing it.

Look forward to seeing what you do next!

Submitted(+1)

Yes. Listen to the advice so far. Try not to just put the theme name into the story repeatedly. If you want to sing a Faction's praises, show us why, rather than tell, so we can fall in love with what makes them special in your mind with you.

Submitted

I wish you had done a lot less telling and a lot more showing.

Rather than telling me that the Orks are strong, give me a scene where an unyielding horde ignores their own losses and smashes through a defensive line. Instead of telling me that the Battle Brothers successfully set traps, explain how they pulled off an ambush, and the difference that makes. 

Submitted

What everyone is saying about it being too on the nose with the theme is correct, and lacking a more focused perspective - as Caracal mentioned - is the biggest thing that could improve this story. For instance, instead of saying that the nameless battle brothers outsmarted and out maneuvered the nameless orcs, try to hone in on exactly what they did that won them the battle. Let the reader see the theme between the lines. Writing a coherent story in under 1000 words is hard, so it's okay to focus in on a small aspect of a potentially larger battle. Perhaps, what did one marine do that turned the tide of a losing battle? 

I hope you use all the good advice in these comments and keep writing, there's definite potential here!

Submitted

I like what you’ve got going, and great job adhering to the theme, but the lack of a central protagonist does really hurt the potential of this story.

It’s not that I didn’t care about the stakes of the battle, it’s that I could’ve cared more. Showing this from the perspective of say, a soldier on the battlefield or a strategist looking over the fight would’ve made me care that much more about it.

Still, it was a good read, and it did very well with the theme.

Submitted

Point of theme definitely made as per comments below, so looking forward to more exploration accounts in the future.

Submitted

Good effort, but as other mention way too direct and tied to the theme. Try to paint a bit more the surrounding aspects of the action, just to get the reader to grab the narrative and make the picture in their heads. Keep up the good work!

Submitted

Good premise, but lacks subtlety.  Show, don't tell. Let your readers figure the theme out for themselves. The unbeatable and awesomely awesome battle brothers trope is also done to death. 

But, saying all that, you wrote something and submitted it for other people to see and give feedback on. That's really awesome and I'm genuinely looking forward to what you write next🙂

Submitted

Definitely adheres to the theme, but I think it was a bit too straightforward in doing that. Show, don't tell! It's still a good baseline and I'm looking forward to what else you might write!

Submitted

Orcs got Krumped

Submitted

Very adherent to the theme of the Jam, though plainly explained. I appreciate this work for how much of a good baseline it is, and will be watching to see if you delve into a more nuanced concept for the next Jam. You did good.