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Revolution's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concept & Originality | #10 | 4.136 | 4.136 |
| Flow & Clarity | #14 | 3.682 | 3.682 |
| Overall | #15 | 3.788 | 3.788 |
| Adherence to the Theme | #16 | 3.545 | 3.545 |
Ranked from 22 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
There were definitely some formatting problems, and the story clunks along some, but I still had an immensely good time with it.
I’m sick and tired of reading of the Duchies of Vinci in this writing jam. Seems 1/2 or more of the fantasy writers featured them. (I too fell for this).
However, using them as the unthinking brutes!? Wasn’t expecting that.
Story had a lot going on, and a fairly complex protagonist, considering the word count.
Excellent. I love the how the story twists and turns like a vine around the central theme of betrayal with elegant descriptions. Unfortunately the theme of the jam gets a little bit muddied though it is still clearly in there. On its own this is a fantastic story and I especially love that it portrays the traditionally evil necromancer as a sympathetic, heroic figure instead.
Excellent. I love the how the story twists and turns like a vine around the central theme of betrayal with elegant descriptions. Unfortunately the theme of the jam gets a little bit muddied though it is still clearly in there. On its own this is a fantastic story and I especially love that it portrays the traditionally evil necromancer as a sympathetic, heroic figure instead.
Deliciously vile tale with some motivations mixed in. Like.
I found myself enjoying this piece more and more as I read through. I especially liked how the last line calls back to an earlier moment. I agree with other comments about technical improvements, though they weren't a big issue for me. Overall well done!
Very enjoyable read, I think the other comments address my own review thoughts, but I want to emphasize this felt like a professional story draft and in the limited page/word count that is remarkable so well done.
Thanks so much Hobby Fuzion! Very kind comments and high praise <3 I hope you and your daughter had fun writing and submitting your stories. Good luck in the Jam :)
That was a beautiful read - very engaging. I loved your descriptions, especially 'moustaches flaring like an enraged stag' which is a great image and one that instantly gave me a feel for the character. Very well done! You also deftly put just enough detail into the battle to be evocative without being overwhelming. The transition from Vladeska's reminiscences of the noble party to his reminiscence of the underground gathering was a little jarring - one more use of the * section break might have been justified there.
Let me continue by saying that I loved the themes you were working with, how you wove together elements of different ideas that worked very well as an expression of Vladeska's character and the strong theme of old vs. new ways, and the twist was beautiful. The story would have worked perfectly with the theme of the previous jam ('Are We the Bad Guys?'). Unfortunately as an exploration of strength vs. intelligence it falls short. Again, I love how you address the ideas you're working with... but I can't honestly say the piece fits the theme.
Hey small_grey_owl
Those are lovely comments. thanks so much for taking the time to give me such great feedback. It's all much appreciated and I'm so glad you enjoyed the story.
You're probably right about the theme. I tried to make it subtle and have multiple elements, ending with the triumph of a 'strong intelligence' but it was probably a bit too intangible. I just wanted to get away from the standard trope of wizard vs fighter etc.
Good luck :)
You have put together some great themes and really pulled together a strong character-driven piece. And maybe I'm being too narrow in my own understanding of the theme - I like to play with ideas too. I can definitely see where you've got a more thoughtful, introspective character running into the "strength" of thoughtless adherence to tradition / myopic self-centeredness of an entrenched elite class.
Well done. The perspective of a double agent (least that's how I read it) was quite nice, and the interpretation of strength in a more political form instead of just raw power was nice.
Great to see some fantasy in the mix. So few and far between. Again like most stories in the jam I feel the scope the composer has gone for is a bit large for the wordcount. In this case it doesn't undermine the story as much. Some great vignettes into the characters life leading up to their first battle.
Haha, I love fantasy! I'm probably in the minority but that's one of the reasons i love playing OPRs. So open and model agnostic. Yep i think my scope was too large, I'll try and narrow it for next time. Glad you think it doesn't totally undermine the story <3
I though this one was fantastically executed - it flowed well and managed to fit some action and an excellent character study into a thousand words without feeling cramped or forced!
Thanks SupNerds, your comments are super kind :). I cut loads down and was still worried about it feeling a little too cramped! Normally I'd write 1000 words as a short chapter not a full story! I think next time I'll go for a smaller concept. Good luck in the Jam
Nicely done! I especially liked that you didn't overtly state how it was strength VS intelligence but rather let the story tell it.
I LOVE the concept and the final reversal - the selection of the Duchies as the raw brute power faction and the peasant revolution as the brains was delightful (we love a reversal here). One thing I think you could work on is exposition; the early conversation where Vlad makes reference to his own sorcery was a little awkward and broke the immersion; I think the boyar's accusation of necromancy would have worked enough on its own to introduce the concept, and cutting Vlad's reference to it would have opened more room for drama in the later part of the dialogue. Still, excellent work!
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. Glad you like the concept. I ebay sniped 120 mantic zombie/undead models and got to thinking about how to run an undead army and the concepts behind it. Yep, think I did over exposition that Wizard concept, should have been a bit more subtle and trusted the reader to pick up on it tater.