I want to preface this by saying, I am not trying to hate. My intention is to give thoughtful, honest feedback so that every story I rate has something the author can walk away from and both appreciate and work on. If I sound rude that is entirely accidental, I'm only intending to give helpful, honest criticisms and praises.
I really liked the imagery of the vampire before and after sucking the blood from Darguth. The way you described her was perfectly creepy. The transition for Darguth was also done really well. I'd say my only criticism would be some pacing hiccups in some places, specifically right as Darguth joins the fight. Overall though it was a good story and an enjoyable read!
I liked the characters and world building of your story. The depth you were able to achieve in so few words is very impressive. Even though the "allies" didn't team up officially till the end, the theme permeated the whole story thanks to the ancestor council in the first half of the story. If I had to point out a negative, I'd say the ending felt a bit abrupt. It was still good and understandable given the word limit. The large black line on the paper to separate the two scenes helped it a bunch. All in all a wonderful read, thank you.
I want to preface this by saying, I am not trying to hate. My intention is to give thoughtful, honest feedback so that every story I rate has something the author can walk away from and both appreciate and work on. If I sound rude that is entirely accidental, I'm only intending to give helpful, honest criticisms and praises.
I really liked having a story from the hive's perspective, not many people go that route and I commend you for it. I will be blunt though, I personally got bogged down in a lot of the names and few grammar slip ups here and there made this a difficult read for me. I feel like if this were a full book then all of the names for things could've been spread out a bit and easier to digest, but as a thousand word short story it just made it a hard read. Still, you've got a really cool concept on your hands and I'd love to see it stretched out into a full length story.
I want to preface this by saying, I am not trying to hate. My intention is to give thoughtful, honest feedback so that every story I rate has something the author can walk away from and both appreciate and work on. If I sound rude that is entirely accidental, I'm only intending to give helpful, honest criticisms and praises.
The concepts are really solid. I can really understand both characters well, and believe in their team up, something most "unlikely allies" stories sometimes struggle with. Well done! Unfortunately, the grammar is really lacking. A few more proofreads would've really helped this story shine. That could be a result of the time constraint, which is understandable. I try to be honest in these reviews though, as I feel it's the only way authors can improve. Still, great story with great characters. I look forward to more adventures with Parvault and Acton.
Good story! Like others, it could've used some pacing changes. Maybe the omission of a joke or two would've made the rest of them feel a little better and given them more of a punch. The jokes themselves are good, I just think there's too many of them for the length. All in all a job well done.
Good job overall. The pacing and flow felt a little disjointed at times, the story moves between a fast and slow rhythm that is a little disorienting. Also the initial confrontation between the Ascensionist and 507 left me feeling confused as to what happened. I had to reread it a few times before I understood it completely. The dialogue felt a little stiff, but also it's a master talking to a servant so it kind of works. Still I would recommend a little refinement. The time limit probably didn't help with any of that. All that said your prose is really good. The words blend together and you're able to create some really beautiful scenes and moments. All in all a solid piece, good job.
Good story and great prose. Like some others I wish we could've gotten to their alliance a little earlier, but that's neither here nor there. I thought the ending felt good, but the dialogue felt contrived and unnatural. Good ideas though and a very expandable narrative should you decide to continue it sometime.
I really like the setup and payoff here. It kind of reads like a batman joker arrangement, in the way that their conflict is their special thing. No outsiders! Other than that I'd have to say that I agree with a previous comment, the narration did take away from the overall flavor and flow of the story. It felt like it lacked personality, which is sad because both factions were so interesting. Still a great read though, a thumbs up from me!
Good story, good concept and solid characters. The humor didn't hit with me specifically, but I don't think that's a mark against the story, just my personal preferences. I did find the fonts to be creative, but ultimately distracting for me. Based on the other comments, I'm chalking that up to my preferences as well. All in all a job well done as far as I'm concerned. Thumbs up!
Oh my Lord at the atmosphere, I could almost tasted the air of that asylum. The characters, the setting, the prose, all deserving of a chef's kiss. It's weakest point by far is adherence to theme, but even then I think it passes that category with flying colors. A wonderful story altogether, well done.
Pretty much the same praises, great characterization and voice, and the same critiques, Deus Ex Machina and a lack of foreshadowing. Altogether though a really stand out story and one of the best I've read thus far. You have a piece of fiction to be proud of for sure.
Understandable, I figured it was part of a larger narrative. I think if you had even just a few hundred more words to work with, say 1500 total, the theme would've shone through no problem. Like I said, solid writing and story telling though.
Well written and great concepts. You gave the characters a sense of depth, helped in no small part by the interaction between Arrago and Beras. One thing I noticed was an overabundance of adjectives and adverbs. This might just be a personal preference thing, so take it with a grain of salt, but if the story had been a little more sparse with its descriptors, it would've made the times they really needed to be used for emphasis really pop. Again, could be a personal preference thing, in which case rock on. Solid story though, job well done.
I loved your story. The way the robot was characterized by his unique speech patterns and inability to understand the dwarf's work methods and speech. Top notch story for sure. Like others, if I had to complain it would be that I left wanting more interaction between the two of them, and less of the summary at the end. Despite that still one of the best stories I've read as part of this jam so far. You have some serious talent.
Good characters and setting, I really felt the victorian vibes. I do have to ask, is this part of a larger story? It seemed to not fit the theme very well, despite being well written. It's paced like it should be 5,000 words instead of 1,000. Just asking because if I could read the 5,000 word version, I would. Sorry in advance if that sounded harsh. I do really like your writing.
Great pacing, great characters, great prose. The demon's appearance at the end would've felt a little deus ex machina like, but you foreshadowed it well by having the shaman be uneasy about the temple in general. All in all great story.
The two former combatants joining forces to face a bigger threat was a really cool idea. I would've liked for them to have teamed up sooner, so we could see them in action. Despite that it was still a pleasure to read.
Great ideas, particularly the prison serving as food storage for the vampires. You did a great job of developing a convincing relationship between the girl and the dog, especially given the word limit and time constraints. Good job!
I liked the concept and the characters were done well, the quippy dialogue made them a fun duo. I did get a bit confused as to who was speaking most of the times, a few dialogue tags would've helped a lot. That aside it was a great story with one of my favorite One Page factions the Duchies, well done!
My kind of man. Honestly the depiction of the ratmen are what sold me on One Page. I like the aesthetic of humanoid rats, but the skaven are just so reprehensible and gross looking I could never bring myself to play them on the tabletop. Glad there's a fellow rodent enjoyer among the readers.
I totally overlooked that detail. Maybe if I had given it just one more proofread haha. Also glad that both characters felt full and not shallow and halfhearted. This was my first of these writing jams and I am stoked to compete in the next one!
Thanks for the very helpful and positive comment. I knew when I was writing that the intro was a little wonky, but I decided to run with it anyway. I'm glad the honor came across, I was worried that it would seem rushed or convoluted.
